the silence in their heads

a p o l o g y

{i'm sorry - that i'm not the perfect friend and that i never will be; that i'm a drag and only weigh you down at school. i'm sorry that i don't know what i did to piss you off for the whole year, and i hope that you're not at the point where you hate me and you're secretly plotting my death.}

"some friends come and go like a season. others are arranged in our lives for a good reason."
― sharita gadison

there's a particular girl in the room.

her face portrays all her emotions evidently.

outside the room,
she's always smiling and laughing with her friends,
and pretends to have no care in the world.

but in this room,
she's able to freely show her emotions,
without being judged.

after all, you are crying too.
this room,
is the only other public place,
that makes you feel secured,
secured like your bedroom,
and you can let the emotions loose.

she has tears streaming down her pale stricken face,
with a frowned expression.

her eyes show confusion and how lost she is,
how she longs that her friends regard her in the same way she does.

her smile doesn't reach those lifeless eyes,
but rather,
they sit in a straight thin line.

her breathing is erratic;
she hiccups and covers her tiny hands over her nose,
as if that it'll make the noises stop.

but they don't,
they never stop.
the voices in her head like mere whispers,
quiet around other people;
but when she's alone,
that's when the nightmares begin.
the voices don't come crawling back into her head,
because they've stayed with her the whole time.
they only become louder;
screaming,
howling,
mocking words,
until it's unbearable.

she explains how she feels;
she's always the second choice,
never the first option.

she's always the one that makes an effort in the friendship,
but her friends just dismiss and wave it off.
her efforts,
pleas.
all for nothing.
it seems like they don't care,
unless they need something from her.
it makes her feel useless and unwanted,
that it's all pointless.

she and her friends,
all of them used to be so close.
how could they be so distant,
from being there for each other for years,
to strangers in a mere few months?

a strangled cry erupts from her pink chapped lips,
and she covers her hands over her face.
she wants to be the perfect friend,
yet how can she?
how could she be,
when they pretended that she ceased to exist?
how could she,
when she was far from perfect?
but how could she,
not see that she wasn't perfect,
yet was already flawless in her own way?

she could try all her might,
to maybe be chose first from her friends,
but that maybe is not enough for her.
she deserves more than a maybe.
she deserves those who will have her back,
and will give her a straight forward answer.

she's slowly giving up;
giving up on them;
the world;
and herself.
and she wants to tell you that she's sorry.
this is her apology.