MissTaken || Englot || On going

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 1 : 𝓓𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓻

Engfa's POV

Throughout my journey as a solo artist, I've never been lucky enough to have such a successful career this quickly. Like a switch, my life has been wonderful since my singer career became a big hit. Though it sounds like I'm bragging, I am not because I deserve my success as I worked hard for it.

Suppose someone asked me who's the inspiration behind my success, it's easy. Everything I've done was solely due to wanting to find my dad and make him proud of his daughter. You could say I seek his validation, especially when I never met my father in person.

But that wish was soon gone when I discovered the person behind my motivation didn't exist in this world. In short, I don't have a dad as my mom told me she doesn't feel the need to marry a guy just because she wanted a kid. The question is how was I made if there are no guys involved?

Trying to understand from my mom's point of view, maybe she just hated my dad so much that she didn't want to tell me about his life when they had me. Though I want to answer the questions in my head about my dad and directly ask my mom, there's a part of me afraid to know the truth. But sooner or later, I will eventually find the truth behind my existence and my real father.

At that time, I couldn't care less about the consequences as I might as well know what actually happened with my dad. In the end, my mom somewhat dropped the bomb about the whole insemination process to her teenage daughter who seemed curious about everything including her dad's identity.

In denial, I still wanted to find the owner of the sperm donor by putting my name out there and being famous. And that was probably the first time I set my mind to become a well-known celebrity.

However, sometimes things don't go the way you planned them to after my mom knew about my intention of becoming a celebrity. She was very angry about it and gave me a serious talk.

"Fa... I know you want to have a dad and I'm sorry for not having someone you want. But due to the anonymity of the donor, the sperm bank would never disclose the identity of the donor even if you want to. Because they only want to become a donor, not a father. Do you understand that, Fa?" My mom explained.

Back then, I was still immature to understand all these things, but everything made sense when my mom brought that one friend home. From their interaction with one another, they looked quite affectionate, which I thought was a normal thing to do with your friend. But that wasn't the case when I accidentally saw them kissing on the lips. That was when I knew it wasn't the typical friendship you would expect to have in this world.

So, when my mom witnessed me seeing her with her friend, without a choice, she came out to me saying she likes a woman. At first, I didn't understand why she made her life miserable, knowing that the reason why she didn't have a husband was because she was in love with a woman. But now that I think about it, I slowly becoming accepting of the term as long as my mom is happy with the person.

After years of getting used to same-gender relationships, there's a part of me where I could say that I may be part of the community, due to my ability to like a girl. Though I never dated one, my eyes were always attracted to girls only and not guys, which says a lot about me.

However, since I knew then that my father was no near existing in my world, I was on the verge of ending my career as I had no reason to continue. And how I wish that would be the only reason to discontinue my career...

But soon went downhill when I found out my mother had lung cancer and passed away while I was in the process of ending my singer career.

...

Now, seven years later, back in the present, I am still pursuing my singer career, thanks to my friend, Nesa who pushed me not to quit because she knew how I love singing on stage. 

Plus, now that there's only me in this world, I focused on myself by singing to keep me alive as there's nothing left for me to care about apart from my mother. That's how I tackle my loneliness and every month I will accept as much work as I can just so I can get rid of the guilt built inside me for not realizing about my mom's fatal illness.

As a result of becoming a workaholic, I became a superstar with millions of fans seeing me as their idol. As if my loneliness healed with everything that I achieved so far, to be honest, I haven't. 

I am not saying I am ungrateful for everything I had, but I feel like there's an emptiness within me that I couldn't fix. I wish I knew the reason but with my hectic lifestyle, I couldn't find the right time to find the solution to my emptiness. I lost my way.

"But you've got to move on somehow, Fa... do something you love and focus on it." My best friend gave me advice whenever I looked down. 

And she is probably right, I just need to enjoy my life now cause deep down, I know that I have fun with my singing career. Every day, having adventures with my fans gave me a little reminder that there's someone outside who loves me and wishes me well. 

From that time along, all I can say is, that I will spend my lifetime becoming the best version of myself and make everyone proud of me, especially my mother whom I loved dearly. 

Author's Note:

Song rec for this chapter: Never Enough by Loren Allred