Pitch Imperfect Asynchrony

"Do we clap?" Michiru muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

"Clap?" In response, Hayate looked around, also searching for an answer.

After a moment, Kokoa, whose arms were crossed defensively, sighed. "Politely clap." Then she and her three unit-mates, including the one stuck in Michiru's phone, clapped slowly and quietly. The girl in Michiru's phone also spammed clapping emojis.

Standing onstage before them was a tall, intimidating blonde, breathing hard after a breathtaking vocal and dance performance.

"Arigato gozaimasu!" Even her speaking voice was low and powerful, and all too soon, Michiru and co were hearing it up close and personal. "Unichord! You came here to see us?" She sounded almost pleasantly surprised, but the cruel look in her stormy blue eyes made the truth clear.

The little white-haired girl at her side couldn't resist the chance to jump on the bandwagon and mercilessly mock Unichord too. "Is it because you are, as we American kids say, jelly?" she sneered, voice as sickeningly sweet as the food she referenced. And it was clear from her air and tone of superiority that she thought being American automatically made her better than Unichord, who were all Japanese.

Unable to control herself any longer, Michiru scowled at the white-haired girl. "We are so not jelly!"

"We really should thank you for making this tour our reality," Neo (no way that was her real name!) continued, voice still casual, and face an expression of innocence, but once again, nobody was fooled. "You know? With your... bumbling ineptitude." Her smile became a smirk. It was Abyssmare's style to challenge rival DJ units in the middle of their performances, but they always chose rivals they could trample into the dust.

"W-we should send them something!" This time, Abyssmare's DJ tried to join in the bullying, and even though a look of fear flickered through her dark eyes, she was quick to look to her leader for approval. "A-a fruit basket? Heheh!"

"Yum, yum!" Once again, Elsie came in with the gushing, sickly sweet voice as she smiled and touched her face in mock-cheer.

"Or would you prefer mini-muffins?" Sophia looked a little more confident, validated by Neo and Elsie's relentless verbal assault on Unichord.

At last, Lumina spoke up. Michiru felt her phone vibrate, and was swift to raise it so everyone else could see. "Ok, we didn't come here to start something with you guys. We just wanted to check you out before the D4Fes where we're gonna kick your butt!"

"Ooooh!" Michiru and Hayate both snickered and made gestures and faces at Abyssmare.

"That's right!" Kokoa crossed her arms again, trying to make herself as tall and intimidating as possible. The jury was out whether it worked or not.

"You?" Neo drew closer to Lumina, and by proxy, Michiru. She was still teasing, but there was something dangerous in her stormy blue eyes now. "You are... the kicker of butt?" she scoffed. Maybe Lumina wasn't fazed, but Michiru suddenly felt even smaller than normal, standing so close to Neo. She didn't mean to shy away, but she must've done something that Neo saw, because then those stormy blue eyes locked on her.

"W-well, yeah..." Michiru tried to sound unbothered, but she couldn't bring herself to look up into Neo's eyes. She heard Neo chuckle again, low and soft and cruel, and Michiru felt her stomach flip. Was it just because of nerves? She didn't have time to figure it out.

"You are so tiny! Like an elf! Or is it a fairy... sprite...?" Neo muttered under her breath in English, asking her unit-mates what word she was looking for. Sophia was quickest to jump in, eager to be of service to her beloved leader and lead vocalist.

"Troll!"

While Elsie and Weronika cackled and snickered, Neo's eyes lit up. "That's it!" Then she turned back to Michiru. "You are like a troll!"

"You—!" Michiru looked Neo up and down carefully. "Are... physically flawless!"

"Thank you." Neo didn't miss a beat, having also looked herself up and down as Michiru did. The rest of Unichord and Abyssmare, meanwhile, went Error 404 (and Lumina's case, it was literal, her screen switching to blue as she tried to process what Michiru just said).

Even poor Michiru was scrambling to get it back under control. "But it doesn't mean I like you!" she added. So there!

While Hayate gave her a puzzled look and Lumina was still in her Blue Screen of Death, Kokoa shot Michiru a look that could kill.

Leave it to ME to do everything right! Kokoa turned back to Abyssmare as confidently as she could. "We are not scared about D4Fes, because when Unichord hits the stage, we are gonna blow minds!" she declared, raising her chin.

"With what?" Weronika finally interjected, scoffing. "More of Airhead's airbags?" Her eyes darted to Hayate's chest. Part of the reason Unichord lost so spectacularly to Abyssmare was because, during their part of the competition, they lost their nerve. And despite their unit's name, it was nothing but a pitch imperfect asynchrony. The most... memorable moment happened when dancer Hayate tripped, fell, and gave everyone a great mountain view of her, umm, mountains. That ditzy klutz! Weronika thought.

"That's... not my name," said Hayate flatly, blankly.

"Pfft. I don't know your name. It could be anything!" Weronika continued to taunt the other tall, lithe, muscular dancer. "Ellen Melon. Lady Lumps. Jiggly Puffs. Betty Boob. Kuri!"

"Watashi no namae wa Tendo Hayate desu!" Hayate whispered grimly, getting all up in Weronika's face. "And I'll eat you like American deep fried burgers and fries!" Once again, several members of both units paused to look sideways at Hayate.

Weronika, however, was more than happy to keep going, getting all up in Hayate's face. "Your team is like a—how do you say that?—a heated mess. You know? A mess where heat is applied to it, so what was once a little messy is now even messier!" Now all the sideways stares went to Weronika.

Ironic as it was, Neo's low, languid voice came to the rescue. "Darlings, please take my advice. Don't try to beat us. You can't. We are the best! And now, I really must go rest my neck. It is sore from looking down on you." With a last smirk, she and her unit exited without looking back.

"Ok!" Michiru shouted pathetically after her, waving her arms in the air in frustration, desperation, and humiliation, trying and failing miserably to get just one final insult in. "Just because you are making me very sexually confused does NOT mean that you are intimidating!"

Kokoa slapped Michiru's shoulder lightly, but Michiru just kept on going. "We have nothing to lose! We have LITERALLY nothing!"

"Ok..." They all heard Lumina also sigh up at Michiru from her phone, the Error 404 finally gone (though the burning embarrassment remained).

But Michiru still wasn't done, still waving her hands in the air like a monkey. "Bye-o-nara, beyotches!"

But before Kokoa could take a more aggressive approach and tell her outright to shut up, some semblance of sense finally seemed to return to the leader and DJ of Unichord. "Oh, what is happening to me? I'm using my hands too much..."

Kokoa's eye twitched. Some semblance of sense. Oh, it was going to be such a long road to D4Fes, wasn't it?

AN: Should've written this forever ago, but if anyone's seen Pitch Perfect 2, TELL ME UNICHORD AND ABYSSMARE AREN'T LITERALLY THE BARDEN BELLAS AND DAS SOUND MACHINE! LOL

Also Kuri = chestnut (hopefully you get the pun. #IAmTheBreast? LOL)

Also also Youtube "Pitch Perfect 2 Beca and Kommissar scenes" and watch the first 2 mins to see the scene that inspired this fic, LOL!