Sheltered- Bellamy Blake

Part Five

It's been a little over a month since we got the news, and I haven't been to work since. Bell stayed home with me for the first two weeks, but couldn't neglect his duties any longer.

I decided to go see Abby today– the second time I have been out of my room since. I walked to the Med wing, and as soon as Abby saw me, she ushered me to one of the examination rooms.

"Ellie, how are you doing?" She asked, but I don't think I need to answer. My eye bags, solemn expression, and shrunken frame speaks for me.

"I've been great."

"Don't joke with me."

"How the hell do you think I've been, Abby? I barely get out of bed, Bellamy probably thinks I've lost it, and I can't even look at myself in the mirror." I glance down to my left hand that has almost fully recovered from me punching the mirror in our quarters.

"It sounds to me like you are depressed. It doesn't mean you are broken and unfixable, it will just take time and healing. I can give you some medication for it if you'd like?"

"Please. I can't live like this." A tear falls from my cheek, and I don't even bother trying to wipe it away. I used to hate crying in front of people, but now it just seems routine.

*******************

I took Abby's stupid pills for a month, and they only made me feel worse. I decided to take my happiness into my own hands. I met a woman named Nygel, who said she could help me out. I've been taking her pills for two weeks now, and they have done much more for me than Abby's ever could. I am currently on my way to the mess hall to meet with her.

"If it isn't my most reliable client."

"Skip the bullshit, Nygel. Do you have it?"

"You see, your free trial is up. No more handouts. You need to give me something to get what you want."

"What do I have that you want?" She chuckled darkly, and it sent shivers up my spine.

"I need supplies. You used to work in Mecha Station– I'll give you a list of parts, you get them, I'll get your drugs." She said with a devilish smirk.

"I don't work there anymore."

"Then I guess you better get your job back." I stared her down.

Was this all worth it? I'd be stealing from the ark– a crime punishable by death. Could I put Bellamy through what he went through after his mom again? Could I go back to my life before the pills?

"Hey, how was your day?" Bell asked as he came into our quarters, his eyes heavy.

"Good. I decided to talk to Kev about getting my job back." Kev was my boss, and the one who let me take some time off after everything.

"Ellie, that's great. I'm glad you are getting out. Do you feel better?"

"Kind of. I'm getting there." I gave him a tight lipped smile, and he pecked my cheek, before going and having a shower.

****************

It was my first day back, and I got greetings from everybody. I did my work, fixing small things around the ark, before it was time to go home. I pulled out Nygels list, glancing around for anything that I could take tonight. Pressure regulator. Out of the corner of my eye, I see one sitting atop a work counter, and I put it in my bag and rush out before anyone could notice anything.

*******************

I have been running errands for Nygel for the past two months. My dependency on the pills has gotten much worse, and I thought I could stop– but I can't function without them anymore. Bellamy and anyone at Mecha Station haven't noticed yet– I don't think.

I was a lot happier for a while, but then I got more depressed than I was before taking them. I know it's bad, but I don't have the guts to tell anyone I need help. I've been at work all day, and just ran some supplies to Nygel, before I went to our quarters. When I walk in, Bellamy is sitting at the table with an orange bottle in his hands. Shit, he found the pills.

"Is this why you've been doing better? You're getting high?" He asks but it doesn't sound like a question.

"Bell, I can explai-"

"Don't 'Bell' me! I thought you were happier! God, how could I have missed this. You haven't actually spoken to me in weeks, you won't let me touch you. I can't believe you." He yelled at me.

"Are you kidding me?! I was so depressed, and Abby's pills made it so much worse, so I found something that worked!"

"How the hell did you get these?" I stayed silent, till he pushed me flush against the wall, his hands holding me in place, and slammed his fist beside my head. "Tell me!"

"I traded parts for them."

"For who." I was quiet for a while before I whispered.

"Nygel."

"Holy shit, Ellie. Nygel? She could have you floated. What am I supposed to do without you? Did you think about anyone else?" I shove him away from me.

"Don't you dare try and guilt me right now. I was suffering!"

"So was I! But I didn't turn to pills. I figured it out on my own, because my own wife couldn't even be there for me!" I started to punch against his chest, and he didn't try to stop me. I could barely see through my tears as he pulled me into his chest. I collapsed into his arms, both of us crying into each other as we sat on the floor.

"I couldn't live, Bellamy. I could barely breathe. I just wanted to feel normal again."

"I know, baby. I know." He held me and rocked me side to side slightly, comforting me.

*****************

I was still a mess. I know I need to stop using, but I don't know how to stop. Everytime I try, I end up caving and popping another pill. Bellamy told Abby, and she has been knocking on the door at least once a day to let her in so we can talk about how I can get through this; I never let her in.

I got some more pills from Nygel today, and I felt so guilty, I almost wish they'd catch me and float me. Was Bellamy right? Maybe I am being selfish?

"Ellie, let me in. You need help, you can't fight this all alone. Please let me help you." Abby knocked again.

"Go away. You couldn't help me before, I don't see how you can now." That seemed to shut her up, because she never knocked again.

********************

"Hey. Abby said you still won't let her help you." Bell grabbed my hand form across the table.

"She can't help me. I can do this on my own."

"You can't though, Ellie. Please, let us help you."

"Just stop, Bellamy." I take my hand out of his, and it visibly hurt him. He stands up, and starts tearing our quarters apart. Our sheets, pillows, and furniture all over the ground.

"Bell! What are you doing!"

"Where are they!"

"Where is what?"

"The pills! They've ruined our lives! Where are they!"

"Stop it!" I yell as he lifts up one of the floorboards. He b-lines to the bathroom, and opens the bottle, threatening to dump them in the toilet. "Don't do that, Bellamy!"

"God, you would do anything for them, wouldn't you? Can't you see the mess you've made?" He said as he dumped them into the toilet and flushed them.

"You idiot!" I yelled at him as he left me alone in our quarters. He never bothered coming back.