say don't go

I've known it from the very start

The morning draped itself in darkness and gloom, as if the clouds too couldn't restrain their tears for her loss. There was a funny feeling clutching her chest, reminiscent of having run for hours and being suddenly halted before she got the chance to decelerate and feel, taking the seconds in and processing her surroundings. It felt as if she was going to hurl her stomach's contents out, but she couldn't. Not here, not now.

During her life, Maya felt like she had been prepared for many things, but her father's death wasn't one of them. She'd always thought that he would be an ever-looming presence, always there, never far enough. However, as she watched the casket being lowered into the ground, she couldn't help but feel a little relieved at his absence. She knew it was wrong to feel this way, Lane hadn't been a bad father, at least she didn't think so, but he had been an overbearing one. It had been the reason why Maya hadn't seen her mother since she was three, and a part of her knew that now, but a more significant part blamed Katherine for abandoning Lane. Especially now, when she wasn't present to witness his last rites as he was buried beneath the soil.

Lane might not have been a good father, but, in his own way, he had stayed, hadn't he?

***

The heart monitor beside her displayed jagged lines, rising and falling erratically, drowning out the ambient noise outside the ambulance as Maya felt her own heart lodged in her throat.

The hand in hers was clammy and weak, yet the voice that belonged to its owner was even feebler.

"Was I a good father, Maya?" The question was so abrupt that it caught her off guard. He was on the brink of death; saving his breath should have been a priority instead of seeking validation about his fatherhood.

"Dad, now really isn't the time," she said, avoiding his gaze in the hope that he would drop the subject.

"Answer m-," he was interrupted by a cough, "Answer me, goddamnit."

Maya shook her head knowing there was no way to avoid the question, You were—no, you are a great father," she replied with a firmness she didn't know she could summon.

Instead of being satisfied with her response as she had hoped, her father started rapidly shaking his head, "No, no, I'm a terrible father, Maya."

She was confused, to say the least. Surely, there was no way he was having a moment of clarity minutes before his death? "What do you mean?" she asked carefully.

"There's something I haven't told you. Something you need to know before I die," he said before breaking out into another cough.

Maya was frustrated now, but she had no idea what to be frustrated with. Was it the fact that Lane was dying, and the paramedic standing right above him could do nothing to save him? Or was it her frustration with Lane for the realization that his moment of clarity might not have been about her, to begin with?

She looked towards the paramedic once again but only received a sad frown in return. He wasn't going to make it; the wound was too severe, and there was no way to stop the flowing blood. Lane was going to die before they got to the hospital. "What do I need to know?" she urged him, indicating that she was still listening.

"I should've told you this sooner, but I hope you won't hold it against me..." he started. Maya had no idea what could be so important that he thought she would hold it against him even after death. As a Major in the Army, there were about a billion things her father could've kept from her, a billion things he could've said right then, but the words that came out of his mouth weren't something Maya could've ever imagined.