To who ever finds this,
"Always the fool with the slowest heart" they say. But my heart isn't slow. If anything it goes too fast. I'm always too fast to trust, to fast to love. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so attached to them in the first place. I knew they were going to leave me. Once they saw who I was they didn't want me anymore. I knew the guys from i-land would have to go but I didn't think I would lose them completely. I thought maybe we would stay in touch or something. But standing here now, alone once again I know they never wanted to be my friend in the first place. I know they just wanted to get close to get into the group. Now they resent me, just cause I made it a bit farther than them. Even now none of the boys care for each other, its all for the cameras. The other day Jungwon laid on my shoulder, I thought for maybe a minute he might have actually wanted to be close to me, but then the camera went off and he got up and walked away. Niki had asked me to dance with him I was so excited but then he ended the vlive and yelled at me for barging into it when I had just come to practice for the comeback so I didn't screw that up too.
Its always my fault. Every missed step, every missed note. It was me. Maybe if I just let my head sink under the bath water, everything would be better. Maybe if I just grab the heater and let it come into the water with me, everything would be better. Its not like they'd find my body here for at least a few hours, until someone has to use the bathroom or Sunghoon comes banging on the door yelling about how long I've been bathing for. Maybe they would smile seeing my lifeless body floating there, maybe they would smile seeing the cuts up and down my arms and all the blood that dripped from them. Who knows maybe they'd find me sooner because Jake left his phone in the bathroom again or Sunoo needed to brush his hair. Maybe it I just take the scissors from the drawer and end it now it would be better. But if I got up from the bath Jay would probably scream at my corpse for leaving water on the ground.
I just can't win can I? Every way that I could make things better I would just make them worse. I understand why the blame me, Its because its my fault, Its always my fault, that's why I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made even in my death. I'm sorry for the mess my blood will leave behind. I'm sorry for the money it will cost to bury me. I'm sorry to Engene for the mistakes I have made and the pain I have cause them. Please If you are reading this tell my mother I'm sorry for ever being born, tell my father I'm sorry for not being the son he wanted, tell my brother I'm sorry for being related to him, tell my band mates I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made, and tell Engene I'm sorry for the pain. I will go now, to make up for everything I have done.
