mine mine number nine

one

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june of 2021 — winona lola pov:
my phone buzzes so hard it falls from my nightstand, i pick it up to see joeys contact calling.
"burr"
i giggle to myself every time i see it.
"hello?" i say trying to remember what i was just dreaming.
"lola! did nick already tell you?" he sounds happy.
"no? tell me what?"
i sit up and place my feet on the floor. looking around at my messy room, half finished paintings.
"i'm moving to santa clara, the niners traded for me."
"you're joking." i feel so awake when i think about joe living in the same state as me.
"noppeee, and with that i currently am homeless. so i was wondering if you had an extra room? if not that's totally fine."
there's a pause and for good reason too. the last time joe and i were in the same room it was for him getting drafted first overall, a little party thrown by his mom and dad.
however we ended up in the bathroom.
with half of our clothes off. i still think about that moment, the excitement of it all.

the hope it all.

i bite my nails as i think about it. will i ever recover from him? probably not.
"sure joe, i don't have a spare room.. but i do have a california king bed. and it's huuge. the left side is up for grabs." i giggle.
"perfect, i'll tell the movers your address?"
"sounds like a plan."
"thank you winona, really."
"of course baby." i say.
"how have you been? seeing anyone lately?" his tone gets low. as if he's scared to ask this question.
"mm no, what about you? i heard you and olivia got back together?" i twirl my words around. trying to pry the truth from him.
my heart hurts as i say these words. i've never been a falling into love all the time girl.
is there even girls like that?
i can't allow myself to have a crush, i've always seen it glass half empty.
"yeah we did but — well it wasn't any better so we called it quits." he says.
"oh my goodness i'm so sorry."
girl, i'm lying.
—
"is it?" he chuckles.
i stand up, now pacing around the piles of clothes. tip toeing in my big chargers hoodie.
"yeah yeah, i'm sorry if you're heart is a little wounded obvi." i say. blushing.
"i never said it was wounded."
"but didn't it hurt?"
"yeah. but you can heal, lola." he drags out the 'heal' in that sentence.
i stop and repeat those words.
"i gotta go." i quickly say.
"no, let's stay on the phone." joe whines.
i wish i could but i just saw my brothers pull into my driveway, and they just .. they get weird about men.

"i wish i could honey, but i have. to. go." i say.
"talk to you later today?"
"yes."
"bye."
"bye."
—
was it stupid to go back into his web? was there even one in the first place? i've never been in love. when people talk about it they never bring up how scary it is, to fully let yourself go into it.

i control things.
but when im around joe. he gives me that head out of the car window feeling. the feeling you get right when you accomplish something, and you feel euphoric. my body disconnects from my mind and im swimming in paradise.
it feels like a dream.
or maybe the beginning stages of falling?
i'm not scared of him not catching me.
i'm scared of losing myself — if he leaves that's fine.

but what if i leave me?
"WINONA!" joey, my brother yells.
i jump and run over to the door, opening it.
"what's going on?" he chuckles.
i look away.
it's nothing really. but to me those stolen moments were something. it made me feel bigger than anything in the world. for a moment with joe burrow i was a girl, who was about to fall. i would fall and not care if he was there, or if i was there.
i was gonna fall and enjoy the wind on the way down.

"im tired, dickhead. what else?" i scoff.
romantic, winona.