Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1169: Monday 9th December 2019

Entry 1169
Monday 9th December 2019

Another nice day. I actually caught up with quite a few people today, and whilst most of the day was nice, it ended with an awkward moment between Naomi, Ash and I.

Naomi and I took Sophie and Leo to the park where we found Trudy and TJ with Primark. I can't believe how big he's getting. Naomi and Trudy sat on the benches talking about wedding stuff whilst me and TJ were watching the kids as he quietly gave me advice on the sort of sex Naomi likes! Cheeky sod! I told him to keep his gob shut – especially around the kids, and I made it clear that Naomi and I have had sex and that I don't need any tips from him. There was a rather rare but nice moment when TJ patted me on the back and shook my hand and said he was happy that me and Naomi were getting married and making a go of it. "Maybe you and Trudy could get together?" I said. "F*ck off," said TJ, "I'm not going near that m*nge again. It's got a life of its own. I don't want to be in a relationship with her. We might live together, and we might have a dog together but there's no sex." "Sounds like a relationship to me," I said. "No," said TJ, "I want a bird with a big pair, not a big gob. Anyway, don't worry about me. I get enough poon-tang to keep me happy. I had a threesome last night with four Bananarama impersonators." "I thought there were three girls in Bananarama," I said. "Oh, you know what I mean," said TJ. "And how can you have a threesome?" I asked, "If there's four of them and one of you, that's five people." "Whatever," said TJ, "You know what I'm on about. Anyway, you should be more worried about your stag do than my sex life." "TJ, my stag do is ages away yet," I said, "I don't even know if I want one." "F*cking useless," said TJ, "What sort of bender doesn't want a stag do. I'll help Mike sort it out for you. Can't leave you to do it on your own can I?" "Why not?" I bluntly asked, "I can sort out a stag do." "The groom shouldn't sort out his own stag do," said TJ, "Anyway, you're cr*p at this sort of stuff. You couldn't find nipples in a knocking shop. No, TJ the magnificent will sort you out. You know I sorted out David Beckham's stag do before he married Posh Spice." "Did you?" I asked rolling my eyes. "Yeah, I did," said TJ, "Me, Beckham, Ryan Giggs, Gary Neville. We were all there. At this high-class gentleman's club in Amsterdam up to our necks in gash." "You're full of sh*t,"" I said. "It's true," said TJ, "Dwight Yorke shot his load and spunked in some b*tch's eye. He blinded her. He had to pay an out of court settlement and have tests done on his jizz." "Whatever TJ," I said, "Look, if I want a stag do, and I don't know if I do – I will sort it out myself." "A groom can't sort out his own stag do," said TJ, "Anyway, you won't actually get on with it. You'll probably just spend weeks taking about it. You're all w*nk and no spunk." I tried to put TJ off but his mind was made up. If he is going to help Mike sort out my stag do, I just hope it's nothing too rowdy.

I didn't see Mike today. TJ and Trudy said he was at The IEC again kicking the sh*t out of the infected. I'm starting to get a bit worried. I think Mike's spending too much time in that awful place.

Naomi and I bumped into Roz and Madeline in Cowes town centre. Roz still seems like she's in a bit of a mood with me for throwing that cream flan in her face, but she's certainly not as angry as she was at the time. Madeline sems to be doing OK after Richard's death. She said she's started doing a counselling skills course in the evening at the community centre with Mia, and that it's helping in keeping her busy and in taking her mind off things. "I am just so happy that you and Naomi are getting married," said Madeline, "Nothing shows true love like making a commitment in front of our ever-loving God." "I don't think God's going to be there," I said. "Oh, but Elizabeth," said Madeline, holding my hand in a patronising way, "God will be there. God is everywhere. He was there for me when my Dicky died." "Yeah, it's just that me and Naomi aren't really religious," I said. "Well, I think there's religion in all of us on some level," said Madeline, "Otherwise we wouldn't be here. The good Lord made us all in his image. You know I'd like to give a reading at the ceremony." "Well, we haven't finalised things yet," I said. "You know Luke, I think it's great that you've managed to get your hands on a good catch like Naomi," said Madeline, "After all those goings on with Nikki, I bet you looked in the mirror and felt like such an absolute failure. You must have been asking yourself what awful things you must have done to make the Good Lord above send you such a heathen like Nikki?" "Well, I wasn't," I said, "But..." "But now you've found love with Naomi," said Madeline, interrupting me, "Just like me and Dicky. Oh, we used to laugh." Madeline started to get a bit teary. "You know," she said, "This reminds me of a story. Down on the farm..." "We've got to go," I quickly said, interrupting Madeline, hoping desperately to get out of hearing another long boring down-on-the-farm story. "OK," said Madeline, "Another time maybe. Madeline approached Naomi, gave her a hug and kiss and told her she was doing a good thing and should be proud of herself. She then looked at me, smiled, nodded and said "Well done." WELL DONE!" She and Roz then left.