I still see you (Chethan fanfic)

Back home - Ch. 1

Chad has fully recovered from all his injuries that took place that night at the theater. Nothing felt right, even in the hospital. He sighed as he walked up the stairs into his dorm, looking over at the empty side his roommate once filled. His things were still there, he refused to move them. It was stupid but he kept pretending like Ethan was just away. He stared at the others bed and thought about all the times they sat on there and laughed so hard they were sure they'd get in trouble by hall monitors. He thought about all the kisses and things that took place on that side of the room. Although all these memories were so good to think about he couldn't bring himself to even step onto Ethans side of the room.

He stared with a blank expression on his face, though he felt nothing but empty and sad. He looked away when he felt that horrible burning feeling you get in your throat when you know your gonna cry. He turned away and looked down putting a finger up to wipe a tear. He felt so stupid. Why'd it have to be this way? Why didn't he die too. He didn't want to be here, not without the one person who made things right.

He felt his stomach turn with anxiety, this was only the third day of being back to "normal" and in the dorm. He knew everyone went through stuff too but it felt like they always just didn't care and expected him to jump back up from everything that happens each time. I mean even Mindy, acted like nothing was wrong and he was weird anytime he showed emotion. He hated how it felt to be highly expected to recover and just get over it. He sat on the edge of his own bed and pulled out a small yellow and blue thread bracelet from his pocket. He smiled softly remembering exactly when Ethan gifted him that. He held it in his hand and tried to desperately forget about everything around him.

He knew you needed to try and let yourself be able to mourn and recover but god he was avoiding that at all costs. So he assumed it was his fault he felt so bad since he couldn't just be normal and let it pass. He loved Ethan so much though and no one else understood that. They never would. They'd never understand what it's like to share your private and intimate self with someone you love so much just to be pushed off and betrayed and left alone. For a second time.

Who needed that twice? And why him? He didn't get it but maybe he deserved it for whatever reason. He put the bracelet away and grabbed his phone hearing it buzz.

"Wanna come with me and Tara to the mall in a hour?" A texted dinged from Mindy on his phone. He stared at it before typing. "Uh sure" was all he typed and sent it. He figured it was best to not be alone as much as possible. But it was hard to hide his off sad and depressing quiet behavior.

Oh well. He stood up and stretched going over to his drawer and pulling out a clean t shirt and jeans as-well as undergarments . He stacked them on his hand and held them like a tray.  He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower sticking a finger in the water for absolutely no reason. He just did that no idea why.

He put his clothes on the sink counter and pulled out his toothbrush, probably should brush them before he showers or else he'd forget. He put toothpaste on the toothbrush and began to brush his teeth staring into the mirror above the sink and tapping his fingers on the counter. It was so eerily quiet being in the dorm all by himself.

Once he was done he spit into the sink and cleaned his face, moving to undress but when he pulled his shirt off he could see himself in the mirror and he paused as he was met with no way to avoid seeing all the healing scars that patterned across his body. He stared and looked down quietly. He blinked and then looked back up, everyone told him it'd be ok and it was fine but they didn't understand what it's like to be covered in the marks that will always remind you of the worst experience ever.

He just took a deep breath and then looked away from the mirror, he was definitely going to avoid that from now. He ended up getting in the shower and getting cleaned up. Once he was finished up he got out and put his boxers on and stood in front of the mirror and this time willingly, well kinda forced himself to just look at himself and his body. Exposure therapy..something they wanted him to do. He hated it so much who wants to confront the things that make you feel horrible?

He needed to just confront all the things he was avoiding, it was supposed to help him. Well that's what the psychiatrist said. He put his hand onto his chest and ran his fingers over the stitch marks wincing slightly. His heart was going so fast, why was this so hard? He was barley doing anything and felt on the edge of a panic attack.

He shut his eyes and closed them tight putting his hands on his head as he slid to the ground sitting with his knees up to his chest and just whimpering as he looked down holding his ears, tears sliding down his face. He was so fucking ashamed of how he felt. He always forced himself to not act like this. He cried and moved his hands away from his ears to hold his knees putting his face in them.

He stayed like that for like 10 minutes just crying and crying to himself trying to keep quiet. After he stopped sobbing he took deep breathes not wanting to look back up and see himself. God he wished he didn't ever have look at himself again.

He tried to slow his breathing feeling his heart rate finally slow aswell. Once he felt better he slowly stood up avoiding all eye contact with the mirror as he quickly slide his shirt on and jeans too, speeding out of the bathroom and back to his phone that was now ringing. It was Mindy. He answered it. "Yeah? Im just putting shoes on" He said to her though his voice was obviously different from crying so much.

"Are you ok? Why do you sound like that" Mindy asked being able to read her brother so easily and now worried with how shakey and broken his voice sounded. "I'm fine, are you gonna pick me up or what" He replied holding his phone with his face as he put his converse on. He just wanted her to not interrogate him like she always did and just come get him already. "..Yeah were almost there." Mindy sighed leaving him alone, she felt bad she knew he was absolutely not ok and she wondered if he ever would be.

"Okay." was the last thing Chad said before hanging up.

Note: HEY GUYS i'm alive so i'm gonna start posting again and being active so yeahh anyways i decided to make a depressing fanfic series so prepare for that (i'm at the bus stop writing this)