slipping in and out of reality

Morning breeze

Monday 7:30 am school day
I wake up I look around the first thing that comes to mind is the thought of just going back to sleep and ignoring my alarm. I know I have to get up my body feels like a bag of rocks and my head feels like it just got stabbed.
I slowly get out of bed I slip my sweat pants on and put on my binder and put a random sweater on. I walk to the bathroom , I look at the reflection in the mirror staring back at me the feeling of not being there has hit me. "Another day that's all it is"as I splash some water in my face I sit there trying to wake up, I tie my hair back do my makeup and walk out the door
8:33am
As I get on the city bus I see the one person I only look forward to in the morning, my girlfriend she's sitting there the sun hitting her face her headphones on and the biggest smile as she sees me I sit next to her and I lay my head on her shoulder and she runs her hands through my hair I feel safe for once "hi baby boy" she says "hi my love-" I say in a almost asleep voice , she just giggles as she keeps running her hands through my hair. The bus arrives at our school.

We walk into school and start our first class together sitting next to each other messing around as usual untill the teacher kicks us both out for messing around he was so stubborn. This feels like the perfect life everythings happy. 

I wake up.

I wake up in a dase wishing to go back to sleep wishing to feel her touch again and love but this is my new reality im stuck theres no where to go anymore.

i stand up still in a dase put on my pants and bra along with my shirt i sit there staring at myself wishing this wasnt the life i was destened to live but i had no choice. I walk down to the kitchen take a protein shake and sit there scrolling on my phone for a bit. seeing the people on pinterest all happy and inlove it made me sick to my stomach but i tried to not think about it, i cant even open tiktok anymore and barely instagram. I realize ive gotten lost in my thoughts and i go and try to continue my day, I sit on my bed on my laptop again scrolling threw pinterest is seems to be the only thing i can scroll threough without feeling like im mourning a death or something. I need to let go and move on i tell myself and i can but not in this state im in too much of a state of derealization to do anything anymore, To think , to talk , to do anything functional all i can do it sit and play overwatch and scroll threough pinterest but i dont want too,i wish that my head would stop turning with all these thoughts and griefs i wish i could just be happy instead of sitting in this sadness.

I get up and sit there for a moment getting lost in my thoughts "am i gonna be alone forever?" 

i ask myself. I know i  wont be but a part of me wishes i would be so i could finally stop being hurt by the ones i love but at the same time i love the feeling of getting hurt its like it makes me stronger in a way ig.