I've Held My Heart Close All These Years

Chapter 1: Ascend

His coffin does not allow happiness.

Since the day he woke up here and again, and again, and again, he has never felt happiness. He has never felt content. The closest he could feel to such bliss was numbness.

He does not deserve such things, he knows. But he yearns; he yearns for the touch of something other than abysmal wood and blood and tears. A mask is glued to his face, but he cannot take it off even if he wants to. It's demonic, an evil thing. He wants it off. Alas, his arms are bound by his sides- not by rope, but by the small space of the coffin he lays in.

He is not sure how long he has been here. He wants to get out. All he knows is pain, death, numbness, regret, grief, sorrow, please help him, he's scared, he'll be good, let him out, let him out, let him out let him out let him out let him out let him out-

But then, there is light. It feels familiar, the way one has seen a face before in passing again. But despite the confusing feeling of dread that creeps up his spine the way the maggots and bugs do around him, he welcomes it.

He almost cries from relief. This is a blessing in itself, and he welcomes the pain because what else is there to do? His coffin has not allowed him to think of such things without the agony that comes after when he wakes back up. But still, he allows himself to get lost in another dream, because he is stupid. He is naive and stupid and he's brought pain wherever he goes, so what is one more time, he thinks. When he wakes back up he will feel agony. Pain, regret, he's stupid, stupid, stupid! But now, the light that hurts his eyes and the ringing in his ears are welcome.

He's getting out. He's feeling things other than the dark confines of his prison. He's never felt so happy in his entire life. The tears come streaming down his face like a waterfall, another thing he hasn't seen in a long time, and he can-

It hurts. It hurts It hurts It hurts IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS!!!

The whiteness is blinding and now he can't see anything and he'll die again and-

He wants to see. Why can't he see? It's blinding- the golden light he saw is now-

He feels himself turning upright again. Oh, how long has it been? The blood rushes to his feet and drains from his head and he feels so happy. It hurts. He can't see anything other than the gold- white? Light that surrounds him.

A word rings in his head: Ascension. Was ascension always so beautiful? So fulfilling, so dream-like, a wonder?

He is weak.

The light finally leaves him, and he is left with a scenery of white, gold, and other light colors. All he knew were the dark black of his coffin and the reddish-brown, half-dried blood that spewed out of the forty-nine nails. But the nails did not ascend with him.

A bell tolls.

He is weak.

He sees people; real, living people. And he could cry from joy.

He is weak.

He falls down, hitting his head. But he doesn't want to lay down anymore. So he tries to get up. He can only succeed in supporting himself on his hands and knees.

He is weak.

Suddenly, everything stops. Everything turns black. He has died again, this feeling is familiar, but he still cannot help but feel the agony that comes with. He wanted to see, but when he wakes up, he'll wake up in his coffin again. And yet he has welcomed everything with open arms.

He can only pray that the feeling that comes next is numbness.

____

Mu Qing stands there in silence. He cannot wrap his head around the sight. The newest god that spilled tears and blood all over the ground cannot be who he thinks he is. "What the fuck, " Feng Xin whispers, saying it more like a statement than a question. Both are horrified by the sight. Despite the corpse-like person that ascended to heaven covered in cakey blood, dirt, and grime, who also has a few places that are actively bleeding even more onto the ground, they are not horrified by just that.

Is that His Highness Xie Lian!?

And it's all batshit only after he falls over.

Many people who were in the front that gathered around after hearing the bell take horrified steps backward. Some audibly gasp- he even heard a few screams. To echo Feng Xin, what the fuck? With all the commotion and a newly ascended god, people make way for Ling Wen.

As she steps forward to greet the new god and see what the commotion is about, she stops. Her eyes are wide as she looks in what is probably disgust at His Highness. She feels a chill run down her spine as she takes in the sight. Ling Wen looks around in disbelief, eyes scanning around for any threats as she takes in the sight before her. She takes a deep breath and steps forward again. "General Xuan Zhen, please bring the new god to your palace to heal. I will look into this matter at once," she adds as many people look at her, probably wanting to ask questions.

Mu Qing does as he is told. Feng Xin helps him carry him. Both are in a daze as Ling Wen contacts someone else in the communication array, probably to help His Highness, and walks so fast anyone could think they were running if they looked hard enough. Feng Xin either ignores or does not notice the stares they are getting.

"Feng Xin," he says once they reach the palace. "You should go."

Before the man can protest, he says, "I'll let you know when His Highness is awake. You can visit anytime later. But please, go."

Feng Xin's movement stutters, but he leaves. His eyes look red and glossy. Neither comment.

Later, His Highness is in a spare room, cleaned of the dirt and grime that was on it. About time, Mu Qing thinks in passing, as he enters the room and sees what is undoubtedly Xie Lian. The healers that were looking over his highness notice him walk in and bow hastily, before rising up again.

A healer pipes up, "My apologies, General Xuan Zhen. There were about fifty major places where he was losing blood, which we used spiritual power to clean. We stitched him up and monitored his condition for a while, and frankly, it will take him a month at least to recover. Most likely two months to be in healthy condition again, and weeks to be able to walk properly. So, since he ascended, it will take him quite some time until he gains followers."

"Thank you," Mu Qing says. It's the least he can do for their troubles. "Will you have to stay here?"

"No," says a different healer. "We have talismans that will let us know if there is anything immediately wrong with him unless you say otherwise. We will not need to stay."

Mu Qing hums and gives a decisive nod. "I will give you further instructions later. You're dismissed," he says. The healers leave quickly.

Mu Qing steps forward and looks down at His Highness. He remembers the stories of him being a God of Misfortune. Remembers how even though Feng Xin denies it, he goes down to the mortal realm often to look for the man lying down in front of him. Remembers the condition of His Highness's nearly dead body.

His eyes drift to the silk band next to the bed. He reaches as if to pick it up, but thinks better of it.

"Your Highness," he whispers, not trusting his voice to say anything louder lest he sobs. "What happened to you?"