Evita♡ (By FlowerGirl231109)

Thoughts.. (22/02/2024)

Have you ever experienced a thought that keeps coming back in to your mind and you just get sick of it? Well, welcome in my brain..

Since last year in i think the beginning of 2023 i have gotten all kinds of obsessive thoughts.. And since then i have been having these in my life. It began with thoughts that forced me to say personal things to others around me like my bff and my parents. And then my grandparents and so forth.. I was always so iritated by these thoughts because they kept coming back until i would do what they said. My fears weren't helping eather. I was getting so scared that these thoughts would never go away that i kept obeying them. I was so scared that if i didn't do what they said bad things would happen..

Yhis is what we call OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. At that time i didn't know what was wrong with me. But now i know that i have an disorder... I don't like having one because it makes my daily life a lot more harder. But because i constantly listened to those thoughts its started getting worse... I started getting perfectionistic about evrything around me. Evrything needed to be perfect and look perfect. Perfect, perfect and PERFECT.. Then the worst thing of all happened. I had to repeat movements at a certain pace and number. For me these were even numbers. Like 2 an then 4 then for some time 6 then all kinds of other numbers that had to do with 2 and 4. And if that didn't please them they would force me to do it all over AGAIN. This started really affecting my daily life.

Evry single day i needed to do these movemnts, it was hard for me to get to school in time because my whole room needed to be perfect and i needed to do certain movements in even numbers. Even when i was going to sleep it was hard for me to be in bed in time, becuase of all these rituals i had to do.. It even got to a point where i needed to do certain movements at a certain moment, with the same clothes on, the same things in my hand, the same things i was going to do. And he even threatened me to destroy evrything i made afterwords and do it ALL OVER AGAIN. Well... luckily it didn't get that far. I am still strong! But when my mom was visiting my grandmother in Albania it got to the highest level..

Look, my mom is visting my grandmother once a month and a half, for a weekend. This is really hard for me because i have a fear of abendonment. And maybe your thinking: 'You have so many things in your lifef going on!' Yes, that's true. My life is not all that easy. But who's life can't be difficilt!? Evryone has there own problems, you just need to accept them and accept yourselve the way you are. Anyway, because of my fear of abendonment i always had i really hard when she was going away. Those days are the hardest for me. And that gives my thoughts the perfect oppertunity to make my life a HELL. I hope you don't think that i am exaggerating, becuase it may seem like that. But it's not that easy..

So yea, in those days my thoughts made my daily life a hell. In the end evrything ended well after all. Because i won't let myself be puhed down that easily! I just never give up! Like right now. Because i am going against those obsessive thoughts right now.. They are forcing me to say something SUPER usseless to a friend. And i don't want to say it! What the incredible thing is is that evrytime i think of sending her this to finally be of of it something holds me back.. Like just a few moments ago when i wanned to type it in on Watsshap and i just froze, then i just clicked the page away. Like it's useless anyway... She won't get anytging from it, i won't get anything from it. Like, what's the point!! But my thoughts don't care about that, they only care about making my life MIZERABLE.

But i will keep fighting, i will not let them push me down again! I won't listen to them anymore!! There just some stupid voices in my head, they don't mean anything. so i will keep fighting. Till the end, i always survive after all...

Thanks for listening (:

And stay strong all of you! We can do this!! And we will do this TOGETHER!!💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

-Evita🌺

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Hi, i'm struggeling with the same thought right now. Needing to tell a friend something useless, she doesn't remember. It's weird, isn't it. I got over it back then, i accepted it in my life. It came back, going against my fears. The fear of it never going away. It makes me believe that that's actually true. It feels so easy, to just send it. To finally be off of it, to be free. But that isn't the case. She has fought to hold it in her, the Evita of (22/02/2024). I'm not going to back down. I'ts almost 22 octobre. Just 2 days away. I will write again in this draft, and say how I feel then. Let's see how long I can do this. Shall we?

Bye, see you at tuesday 22 octobre 2024. love ya.