BECAUSE IT'S YOU

♡♡♡

I shouldn't have been feeling this admiration for you.

I know.

I know this is not just pure admiration, but more than that.

I don't know when, why, or how. This feeling grew gradually as days passed by, until one day, I woke up and asked myself if I really liked you.

Hindi buong tinatanggap ng utak ko yung nararamdaman ko para sayo kasi kaibigan kita.

"Hoy!"

"Ay asdfghjkl! Ba't ka nanggugulat?!" hinampas ko siya as my initial reaction.

"Ang lalim ata ng iniisip mo? What's wrong?" she asked. This, this is the very reason why I am confused right now.

"Wala, iniisip ko yung group activity natin." I casually replied and iniwasan ko siya. I know, I am really sure of my gender preference pero bakit ganito?

Nagulat ako ng bigla nyang ilapat yung isa niyang palad sa noo ko and sa noo naman niya yung isa nyang palad.

"Wala ka namang lagnat, masakit na naman ba ulo mo?" she asked out of concern.

"Gaga wala nga," I laughed awkwardly.

"Matulog ka nga, bawasan mo pagpupuyat mo. Lagi ka nalang nazozone out." pinitik niya yung noo ko tapos hinila ako papunta sa mga upuan.

"Now, sleep." maawtoridad nyang utos.

"Ehhh, may class pa tayo" reklamo ko.

"You still have an hour left. You should sleep. Matutulog ka o matutulog ka?" I laughed dahil sa mukha nya. Magkasalubong na yung dalawa niyang kilay.

"What?" kunwaring pagalit niyang tanong.

"Wala, I'll sleep na" and yumuko na but before I fully dozed off, I heard something that pierced my heart and I can now confirm that I really do have feelings for her, for my friend.

"I have someone I like na," she whispered and patted my head. I acted as if I were already sleeping.

The next day, I started to distance myself. In the first place, I shouldn't have this feeling for her. Kaibigan ko siya at straight ako. I tried to ignore her chats and calls, hindi na rin ako tumatabi sa kanya sa klase. I should forget these stupid feelings. I should stop making things complicated.

"Talya!" I heard her call my name, pero I act as if I didn't hear anything. Diretso lang ako sa paglalakad until I hear no one.

I skipped my afternoon class and decided to go to my favourite place. The rooftop.

"Why do I have to like you? Why does it have to be you?" bulong ko sa hangin habang tinatanaw ang kabuoan ng school na pinapasukan ko.

Nilaro laro ko lang yung lighter ko habang nakaupo sa sahig ng rooftop. I can feel the summer breeze na yumayakap sa katawan ko.

"Bakit ka nandito? Hawak mo ulit yan, may problema ba?" ikaw? bakit ka nandito?

I act as if I hear nothing, pinulot ko yung bag ko and dire diretsong naglakad para bumaba na pero the moment na lumagpas ako sa kanya, she grabbed my hand para pigilan ako.

"Tinatanong kita, why are you being like this? May nagawa ba akong mali?" she asked again pero tinanggal ko lang yung pagkakakapit nya sa kamay ko at aalis na sana pero bigla siyang humarang sa harap ko.

"Pwede ba?!" napasinghal ako ng bahagya out of frustration.

"Sabihin mo kung ano yung problema Talya, what did I do wrong para iwasan mo ako?" maluha luha nyang tanong sakin.

"Please let me leave." I begged tapos akmang aalis na sana pero pinigilan nya parin ako.

"Talya"

"Ikaw! Ikaw yung problema ko! Is that enough reason for you to let me go?" I shouted at her face. Halata sa mukha nya yung gulat because this is the first time na sinigawan ko siya.

"W-why?" she's staring at me with full confusion in her eyes.

"Please, just please let me leave" nagmamakaawa kong saad.

"Not unless you tell me why," please Rin don't force me to tell you everything because I might lose our friendship and I might lose you.

"Talya, why?" pilit nya akong hinaharap sa kanya.

"Pwede ba! Tama na kasi gulong gulo na ako Rin. Hindi ko dapat to nararamdaman Rin kasi kaibigan kita. Hindi ko na dapat pinansin yung feeling na gusto kitang kaibiganin. Hindi na dapat ako lumapit sayo. We should've stayed as acquaintances." I was already crying habang binibitawan ang bawat salita na matagal ko nang pinipigilang sabihin.

"T-talya"

"Straight ako, oo, alam ko yun matagal na. Never akong nagkagusto sa kapwa ko babae, never ako naconfuse sa gender preference ko. It's the least choice that I'll make. But right now, I know na straight parin ako pero I like you. I like you and I don't know why. I like you pero alam ko sa sarili ko na I am not gay. Maybe I like you because it's you. " Gusto kong bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko kasi takot na takot akong mawala siya, mawala yung kaibigan ko, mawala si Rin.

"Now, please let me leave." I wanted to leave, away from her. Hindi ko kayang harap harapan niya akong tanggihan.

I was about to leave the place when she mumbled my name.

"Talya," she said in her usual soft voice.

"I don't know if I should talk things out if it's already the right time for us. All I know is that I might lose you if I stay silent" nakatalikod parin ako sa kanya, I don't know why but I wanted to hear what she will going to say pero mas nangibabaw yung takot ko and nagsimula na akong maglakad palayo.

"Please hear me out first, Talya." I stopped and gathered all the courage left in me para harapin siya.

"It was last year, I thought I was just enjoying her company because she's my friend. Pero, I know there's something beyond enjoying her company, something na kakaiba sa trato ko sa iba kong mga kaibigan. I told myself that if this feeling did not fade away until this year, I knew that I had already liked her. And guess what? I really like her because that unusual feeling stays after a year. " she then looked at me.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sinasabi nya sakin 'to, is she indirectly rejecting me?

"Kilala mo kung sino siya, kilalang kilala mo." she smiled genuinely, but I just furrowed my brows because I don't know what she's talking about.

"The person I am talking about is you, Talya. I like you." hindi nagsisink in sakin yung sinabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maging reaction sa narinig ko.

"Hey, kibo ka naman. Kinakabahan na ako" niyugyog niya yung mga balikat ko

"Am I hallucinating?" wala sa sarili kong sambit, and I hear her laugh

"No, you are not, silly." natatawa nyang tugon.

Bigla ulit siyang sumeryoso at tinitigan ako. My heart's racing so fast, para na akong natatae sa mga oras na'to.

"Talya, I like you. How about you?" tanong nya habang hawak hawak ang mukha ko.

"Not listening ha, sinabi ko na nga kanina pa. That's also the reason diba kung bakit lumalayo ako duh" sarcastic na pabiro kong tugon and rolled my eyes. I heard her laugh, and she suddenly pulled me into a hug.