ᴘᴏꜱꜱᴇꜱꜱɪᴠᴇ, ᴏʙꜱᴇꜱꜱɪᴠᴇ (𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘬𝘪 𝘬𝘶𝘴𝘶𝘰)

𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 43 (𝔯𝔲𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔰)

does he have to beg, to plead for you to love him?

thursday trigger warning: mild sexual harassment/assault | assault in general (?)

𝖜𝖊𝖊𝖐 2; 𝔞𝔯𝔢𝔫 𝔨𝔲𝔟𝔬𝔶𝔞𝔰𝔲
𝔴𝔢𝔡𝔫𝔢𝔰𝔡𝔞𝔶, 𝔱𝔥𝔲𝔯𝔰𝔡𝔞𝔶

. . .

a long, deep breath exhaled through your mouth, as you watch your alarm clock blare its ringtone. and then you quickly slam it, rubbing your eyes and groaning. was it really necessary to wake up three hours before your alarm and not be able to go back asleep? you rolled your eyes. maybe it's fear of another person recording you, watching you in moments of weakness? or that your secret would be spread? 

whatever it would be, it kept you up. you would usually never be up at the early time of 4am, fully dressed and had eaten at least two courses of breakfast, but what could you do about it? exactly. nothing. you had been on your phone the whole time since then, scrolling endlessly through mindless and repetitive videos replaying over and over again. there was nothing better to do. everyone else was asleep after all.

you get up from your springy bed, towards your curtain, and open it fully. right away, your eyes are blinded by the light from outside. the sun's way brighter today, huh? you think, your eyes slowly blinking open, adjusting from the previous darkness of your room. 

despite waking up so early, you could not get out of bed. you couldn't sleep, but that didn't mean you wanted to get out of the warm comfort of your bed. something made your heart feel heavy. not because of what happened yesterday, at least you don't think so, but just because. you felt like a burden, but what were you burdening in the first place? 

the mere existence of you doing nothing but filling up the room, taking up space in an empty corner? how miserable could you be: that you can't even do anything useful. just another person polluting the earth with your presence. it doesn't usually get this bad; you were so happy just a day ago. but for some reason, you felt tired. not tired as in sleep-deprived, maybe that too, but also tired of waking up. would anyone care if you were to die in your sleep, in peace? you would be locked in a forever dream.

it would be wonderful.

snap out of it, yan. don't become an emo.

you slapped your cheeks, your face cheeks, don't get confused. for a second i forgot this was also a little comedic. lol. your eyebags became more apparent now, but you didn't mind it, trying to ignore it. you finally move away from the window, the sun's golden glow shifting away from you onto your bedroom floor. you took one last look at it, and shut the door.

you had finally snapped out of it, through threatening yourself that you were going to become an emo, but emos are actually hot so that's a win-win situation, well, nevermind about it, you're just rambling on and on about things in your head that wasn't even applicable to what your first topic was. you shake your head, trying to clear your mind that's always either too filled or completely empty. 

you skip breakfast, ku-cat walking by your feet, but also going out for a few adventures while you're at school, but thinking that you aren't hungry right now anyways. although a little voice in your head made you eat at least a few bites of toast with jam. (which, by the way, is the second best way to eat toast, the first being nutella) this time, you left with headphones on, covering your ears. you played tyler the creator; PUPPET. something about the song, even the whole igor album, makes you zone out. in a good way.

stepping out of your house, you hold your book bag close beside you, containing your house keys, textbooks and random notes from various classes (that were stuffed inside at the bell, you did not feel like organizing the notes by class, so a few are crumpled and the rest are unfinished worksheets that were due since.. probably the year before.)