orange and mint

in between

The cashier of the convenience store we used to go to in the middle of the night looks at me when I enter the shop. The bell rings behind me and I can feel her gaze on me. I won't look. Getting up and coming here was already hard enough.
I walk through the aisles. My limbs are heavy from all the pain that lives inside my bones now, weighing me down and making it hard for me to move. I tell myself that's why I was in bed for eleven days after you called me.
Your combat boots still fit me perfectly, but you said our lifestyles don't fit each other so I guess I need to make another appointment with my optometrist. Maybe I need another prescription. Maybe that's why I didn't see you falling out of love.
Your combat boots still fit me perfectly. I won't look.
I can see the snacks you used to buy from the corner of my eye. The orange and mint packaging are still the same. I won't buy them.
We used to come here around midnight and then go to the park and stay there for hours, even though I had early classes the next day. I can feel the cashier looking at me, but I won't look. Not now, not yet. Does she remember? She must do, we came here way too often for her to forget us. Forget us.
I don't think I ever came here alone. She must be wondering why you're not here. Will you tell her? Will you call her at one am and tell her like you did to me?
I pick a bag of chips I've never tried. I'll throw up if I think about you for another second. Her gaze shifts to the clock to check the time and maybe she feels like throwing up too. I don't want to go to her. What if I smell? What if I throw up? What if she does? What if nothing happens?
What if she asks?
There's too much space between me and her. A tiny amount compared to the space between me and you.
She will ask.
Her eyes aren't curious when I find the courage to approach her. I put my chips on the counter and hide in my pockets beside the few coins I have. I won't look.
"Hey. Sorry if this seems weird, but I think I know you." She smiles and I pray she doesn't mention him. "You used to come here with the other guy, right? The one with green hair. I haven't seen you in a while."
I nod and try to offer her a copy of the smiles she used to see. She doesn't buy it and asks how I am. She seems worried. Do I look like I'm about to throw up? Do I smell?
What do you tell someone you used to talk to for three minutes three nights a week when they ask you how you are? "Fine. Life's a bit- stagnant right now."
She hasn't touched the bag of chips yet. She's fidgeting. Her nails are done.
"What about the guy?"
"I think he's fine too. Maybe more than me." The bitterness stings my tongue.
"Where is he?"
Where is he?
"Seoul. Working."
"Oh." There's something hidden in her tone. But I can't see.
"Yeah." I spit the angryness out and force myself to gulp down some of the love we shared. "He'll be famous soon, I'm sure."
She smiles. I tap on the counter to make her understand. She does. She scans the bag of chips and tells me how much it is even though I already knew. I pay, get the chips and thank her.
Before I can exit the store, she calls me by my name. I turn to look her in the eyes. There's something hidden behind them. I need my glasses. I need a new prescription. I need to see it. I need to- "About ten days ago he came here alone. Before I could scan his item he had already started talking about you."
Where is he? Will you tell her?
I won't look.
I need to move to go back to my bed.
I need to move to go back.
I need to move.