A Perfect Disaster

Louis wasn't sure what state of mind he was in the day he made a tumblr (his URL was car0usel, which he very creatively took from a song with the same name- purely because he loved the song and he felt the lyrics suited him), but it was probably the best mistake he'd ever made. You see, even though he had absolutely no clue how the hell he even posted pictures let alone actually worked the bloody thing and made a decent blog out of it at first, it eventually created an escape for him. It was an escape from the pressure of university assignments and classes, work and just life in general. It gave him a chance to escape into his own little world, even just for an hour, where he got to express himself through his blog.

This was where he found the tags on tumblr. More specifically, the self-harm and eating disorder tags. He knew it was stupid. He knew exactly what he was doing. He also knew it was everything he needed at the time. He needed to meet people like him; people with the same problems as him. He just needed someone who understood exactly what he was going through.

He felt like an idiot at first. Why was he even bothering trying to connect with these people, whose problems were so much worse than his? Hell, he didn't even have anything exactly wrong with him. He starved himself because he thought he was fat, he cut as punishment for binging or when he felt too numb. It was too simple to be a real problem though. Did he even cut for a good enough reason? Were his eating habits bad enough to be an eating disorder? He didn't even purge, or cut with a razor. Maybe he wasn't even worthy enough of having a problem.

After a while though, he felt like maybe he fit in, even just a little bit. He'd found a few blogs who posted things he thought described him perfectly, he'd get plenty of notes on pictures he'd post himself that he thought described him perfectly, and he'd even talked to a few people who knew how he felt. There was one person in particular he was especially fond of, who's URL was make-me-skinand-bones (which he found very fitting, and also found a new band out of it when he learnt the URL doubled as song lyrics). He preferred to call this friend Harry though. It was simpler, and made him feel more connected to his new friend than it would have if he had to keep calling him "make me skin and bones" all the time.

He felt a little guilty when admitting it, but he preferred Harry over his non-tumblr friends. Aside from the fact that Harry knew every feeling Louis ever experienced, and not only accepted it but knew exactly how he felt, he was just so much easier to get along with. With his friends at uni and work he had to constantly be hiding himself: physically and emotionally. It was exhausting. With Harry though, he could always be completely Louis and Harry would still love him (Louis tried not to think about how wrong it probably was that they'd never actually met or talked anywhere other than tumblr yet they could still admit they loved each other).

But whatever, it is what it is.

~

Louis adjusted his shirt for what he counted to be the eighth time that day; but he wasn't keeping track or anything. That would be insane. He looked up when one of his friends spoke, asking if he was coming. Louis mumbled a quiet "yeah, sorry", before sighing and following them to where his friends decided they would all be going for lunch. To say Louis was dreading it would be an understatement. He was just about ready to turn around and run; maybe get hit by a car or something on the way, who knows. That would be stupid though. Then they would know something's wrong, and that couldn't happen. He'd been doing this for 4 months already, he could do it now.

He put on the best fake smile he could muster and jogged up to his friends, joining in their conversation and laughing at whatever it was they were saying. He wasn't sure who he was trying to convince he was fine: them, or himself.

Quicker than Louis would have liked, they arrived at the small coffee shop/café; located a few buildings down from their university campus. He walked in with his friends and tried his best to hide how much he would rather be anywhere but there. He stood at the back of the line behind all his friends, hoping it'd give him enough time to find something small.