Journey of an Einherji - The Sword of Summer

The God of Farting

I couldn't help myself.

When I heard the name Thor, one of the greatest warriors of the gods, the one who all giants fear, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the Nine Worlds... I imagined a muscular man with goldilocks hair, a red cape and a mix of bright Spandex tights and armor.

In real life, Thor was scarier, redder and grungier.

He could cuss like a drunken, creative sailor, too.

"Mother-grubbing scum bucket!" - he yelled. Among other words I chose to ignore - "Where is my backup?"

He stood deep in the flood near the opposite side, clinging to a scrubby bush that grew from the cliff. The rock was so smooth and slick that there were no handholds. The bush looked like it was about to pull free of its roots. Any minute, Thor was going to get send downstream, where rows of jagged rocks shredded the current in a series of cataracts, perfect for making Thor a smoothie.

From this distance, through the spray of water and mist, I couldn't see much of the God of Thunder: red hair that reached his shoulders, a curly red beard and bodybuilder arms protruding from a sleeveless leather jerkin. He wore dark iron gauntlets that reminded me of robot hands, and a chain mail waistcoat.

"Beard-burning son of a mud-lover!" - the god roared - "Otis, is that you? Where's my artillery? My air support? Where the Helheim is my cavalry?"

"I'm here, boss!" - Otis called - "I brought... three kids and a dead elf!"

"He's not dead." - Magnus sighed.

"A half-dead elf." - Otis corrected.

"What good is that?" - Thor bellowed - "I need that giantess killed, and I need her killed NOW!"

"What giantess?" - I asked.

"That one, stupid." - Marvin headbutted me.

He nodded towards the waterfall. For a moment, the fog cleared from the tops of the cliffs, and I saw the problem.

Magnus whimpered at the sight. Sam made a sound like she was being choked.

"Holy Heimdall."

Those pillars the size of skyscrapers I mentioned before? Well, they were actually legs, immense legs so grey and rough they blended with the surrounding cliffs. The rest of the woman was so tall she made Ancalagon the Black look like a kids toy. Her dress that reached her thighs was stitched together from so many animal hides it probably represented the extinction of several dozen species. Her face, somewhere up there in the stratosphere, was as stony and grim as the ancient sculpture of a face, surrounded by a hurricane of long dark hair. She gripped the clifftops on either side of the river as if straddling the torrent was hard even for her.

She looked down, smiling cruelty at the little speck of thunder god caught in the current, then squeezed her legs closer together. The waterfall sprayed out between her shins in a highly pressurized curtain of liquid force.

Thor tried to shout, but got a mouthful of river. His head went under. The bush he was clinging to bent sideways, its roots snapping one after the other.

"She's going to wash im into oblivion!" - Marvin said - "Do something, humans!"

Riiiiiight. Against a giantess like that. I was really hoping not all giantess were so big.

"He's a god." - Magnus said - "Can't he fly? Can't he zap her with lighting or... What about his hammer? Doesn't he have a hammer?"

Marvin lived up to his name, snarling a lot.

"Gee, why didn't we think of that? If Thor could do any of those things without losing his grip and getting instantly killed, don't you think we would've done it by now?"