Out of the dark and into your light

Chapter 1: Nightmare

"Riley watch this" my twin brother Josh says slurring his words and swaying side to side as he climbed over the railing of the building we were standing on with a bear in hand.

"Josh get down your drunk your going to fall" I say laughing at his stupidity it wasn't funny tho not one bit.

"Oh come on live a little look at the view it's beautiful" he says taking a seat on the edge swinging his legs back and forth staring at stars in the sky.

"I'm fine I'll admire it from here now get down before you fall Josh I'm not kidding" I say still laughing but again it wasn't funny the alcohol was making me laugh when really i was scared that he would end up doing something stupid.

"Ye ye I'm coming" he says attempting to climb back over. That's when he slipped he had slipped on the railing and was hanging on for dear life. "RILEY HELP HELP" he shouted over and over again except i couldn't i was froze all i wanted to do was run and grab him but i couldn't. Then i woke up.
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I jolt up gasping for air a pool of sweat had formed around me tears streaming down my face. I was back there again in that dream the one i seem to have every night. Except it wasn't just a dream because it actually happened. Josh i call out knowing i won't get a response because he wasn't here he died that night and it was all my fault and i can't help but think these dreams are a punishment a punishment for not holding onto him tighter a punishment for not being able to save his life. I tried i really fucking tried but it wasn't enough. All of it was my fault i told him to sneak out with me that night i had stole the drinks off are parents it was my fault all my fault. I wish it was me and not him i deserved to be the one dead me nobody else and especially not him.

After I lowered my heart rate and my breathing had come back to a regular pattern i grab my phone wanting to know what time it is. The bright light shone in my face instantly making me turn the brightness down. 5am i sigh and get out of bed doging the empty bear cans that are spread all across my room and empty food packets that have been on my floor collecting mold for months. I know this is no way that any person should be living but I'm not just any person I'm Riley jones the biggest fuck up the most well known female footballer for Anything but the rights reasons. Plus what's the point in cleaning up when i don't have anyone who comes round i have nobody who cares about me the only time anybody speaks to me is to make a nasty remark or to comment on my lifestyle. I try to act like it doesn't faze me and i give off the impression that I'm as tough as nails but really it hurts.

I make my way down stairs rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. 2 hours of sleep that's what i got it's better than nothing but it's hard to run on barely any sleep when your a professional footballer with a busy schedule training nearly every day a week. Arsenal that was the team i represented the team i hold so close to my heart but it doesn't feel like I'm wanted there. Well thats a lie i know I'm not wanted there. I had only signed a couple of weeks ago i previously played for Aston Villa the girls there didn't like me either they made it there main priority to make my life hell every day. I don't blame them i deserve it after what happened with Josh that night i deserve every type of pain anyone can possibly go through. I asked for a transfer well not really asked let's just say Carla ward the head coach wasn't to fond of me either and basically insisted i moved something about my attitude fuck her anyway.

I remember when she read the teams out that i could transfer to i expect it to be teams that aren't very well known and it was until the very last one that she read out. Arsenal a team i have followed all my life a team me and josh both dreamt of playing for. Except it was different now josh wasn't here to do it with me and i felt guilty. I felt guilty because why should i get are dream when he's not here to achieve it as well. I took some time to think about it josh loved Arsenal just as much as i did if not more. He would be proud if i signed but i still felt guilty. I took a few days to think about it and i had chosen to sign for them but not for me for josh i was going to do it for him every goal i scored will be for him every celebration will be for him.