You broke me for nothing...

Chapter 32

Kate pov...

I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling... We kissed... We kissed... I kissed him... Why did i do that? This is not smart... But God it felt so good... The kiss was... breathtaking... Passionate... Gooooood... His hands all over me as he sat me down on the counter standing between my legs... Both of us breathing heavy when we finally came up for air our foreheads pressed together... I can't stop thinking about it... For a split second i felt alive again... Like all my problems and hurt had disappeared...

But as i lay here with nothing to do but think i start to wonder... Do i regret it... No... I dont think i do... But does he... I dont know... We did the normal things after... He carried me to the couch...We cuddled watching a movie... But not a word was said about the kiss... He just held me tight, but not once did he kiss me again... God... fuck, i wanted him to kiss me again... The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy when we kissed... If i was not still healing, i would have begged him to take me right there... To make me forget everything... To kiss all the hurt away... To heal me... I know that it did not work like that but God i wish it where... My body was in overdrive and every fiber of my being was screaming for him...

I just laid in his arms on the couch scared to talk... Maybe i was scared for what he had to say... The only thing we talked about was what to get for dinner... Pizza was what we agreed on...  After we ate the pizza we ordered, i just waited until it was acceptable to turn in for the night... Scared to make it weird if i would go to bed too early... But i could not stop thinking as my mind was racing on what to say to break the silence... The silence i until then preferred was now scary and uncomfortable... Eventually had given up and when it was finally an acceptable time to go to call it a day, I told him i was tired and was going to bed... 

That was a few hours ago... I heard Chris turn in for the night not long after me... I heard him close up the house... I could not sleep... Dodger had been with me until Chris had gone to bed... Then he had sneaked out and i guess he had gone to Chris... The last few days he was switching between me and Chris during the night as if he could not decide where to sleep and was just splitting time... Like a kid from divorced parents...

And now here i was... Laying in this bed, staring at the ceiling... Confused, scared and maybe a little frustrated... Or maybe frustrated a lot... I have to admit one kiss from Chris did more than 10 from... No... I dont want to think about him... I am scared that kissing him had woken something up in me that i had suppressed for years... The yearn for passion... For that passionate love... For feeling desired and loved... 

Then doubt sets in... Maybe Chris regrets it... Maybe he thinks it is a mistake... Maybe we should not have kissed... Maybe i should just go... Maybe i need to find my own place and just be on my own... Then Chris can do his movie and i dont hold him back... The idea of leaving makes me sad... I feel comfortable here... But i can't stay here forever... Maybe especially after today... What if i fucked up...

I feel the tears coming... What if he felt nothing... What if him hugging me tight and not kissing me again was him letting me down easy... Scared that i could not handle the rejection... The kiss felt so real... What if i was just wrong... What if the kiss was not passionate... What if just read it all wrong... God that is it... I am just so emotionally confused that i got it all wrong...

God, he thinks i am delusional... He probably thinks i am pathetic... He probably didn't want me and just let me down easy... I am stupid... So stupid... My tears are streaming down my face and i bury my head in the pillow... I dont want Chris to hear me... I feel ashamed... All of a sudden i feel so ashamed... 

I just cry my eyes out. I dont even know what i am feeling anymore... Do i feel hurt... Or do i feel disgusted... I dont know... I do know i feel stupid for kissing him thinking that that was what he wanted to in that moment... Even though he kissed me back i feel stupid... He didn't kiss me again and from what i remember he loved cuddling, kissing and making out... 

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..." I say softly sobbing into my pillow... I am spiraling all these thoughts coming up and the idea of seeing Chris in the morning freaks me out... It freaks me out so much that i find it hard to breathe... I can't be here... I can't face him in the morning... I can't... I really can't... I need to get out of here... I can't face Chris in the morning... The idea alone makes it hard to breath and makes me panic... I feel on edge and just jittery...

I look around the room and sit up... I dont have much to pack... My only concern is on where to go... I dont want to go back to Tara... I dont want to go back to my place... So, there is no other choice but to go to a hotel and see what to do from there... I will make a plan in the morning... Maybe find a little place to rent and go on a job hunt... I can manage for a while on my savings, but a job is what i would need in the long run... Even if it was not ideal but time to pull my head out of my ass... Maybe leaving Boston is what i need... I stuff all my things which is very little in the bag... But then Dodger sneaks in and he looks at me funny tilting his head... I look at him through my tears... "I am sorry bud... I have to go..." I say and sink to my knees... He walks up to me and i cuddle him... 

I cry a little more as it hurts... It hurts so much... I am going to miss him, and it only makes me cry harder... Dodger has been amazing, and his unconditional puppy love was just what i needed... Chris had been exactly what i needed but i had to go and ruin it...

"What is going on?" I all of a sudden hear and i freeze...