「 Space ┊ MarkHyuck 」 ✓

「 NINE ━ BAD ENDINGS AREN'T BAD 」

MARK LEE'S POINT OF VIEW

I had a lot of restless nights thinking about us, and I was sobbing throughout the night in my room. My pillows witnessed the tears I shed. Usually in the middle of the late hours, I walked to my table and scribbled everything in my notebook, while my tears flowed freely. This is one of the ways I let go of everything inside me. Many thoughts that I finally wrote down and cannot express when I'm with you.

I discovered that quitting a relationship doesn't have to be a horrible thing. Sometimes, Haechan, it's the only way to keep us protected, because I love you so dearly. There is no third party involved, our relationship was not toxic, and this is all about us. I've reached a point when I need to forgive myself and everyone around me.

I don't blame you for anything, nor myself. Blaming others won't solve anything and will only cause more damage. What is the most important role in this situation? It is the forgiveness that impacts and allows me to get out of my agonizing past. And once I learned to forgive myself, not only the people who I hurt, I can finally set myself free from all the emotional turbulence and I can start over again.

Someday... We will accept the fact that we aren't meant for each other. There's a reason why you came into my world, and so do I. I am digging myself into a deep hole of anger and hatred. Months passed, and in each stage, there was a process.

The first one is about leaving you and making you understand that we will grow better apart.

Second, it tells me that saying goodbye was hard but sometimes it is the best thing I can do for us.

And lastly, it's about forgiveness and acceptance. The kind of love that is not easy to express, not only to anyone else but to myself.

Every time I wake up, I just cry all of a sudden. I repeatedly recalled everything I did wrong. And that was the time it hit me hard that...

I had to forgive myself, I have to forgive my past. I have to forgive those people who hurt me.

There's still love between us even though our relationship ends, Haechan. I understand your way that you want to fight what we have, that you want to grow with me and want things to work out. But my way is to let you go, and go on your own, grow with God.

They are valid, however...

Haechan, we can't do those ways at the same time.

And even if there is a reason why we have to separate ways, and I know this is the best for us, it hurts me a lot.

I want to tell you that bad endings aren't bad, it is sometimes the only way for both of us. It's time to heal ourselves, time to forgive and accept what's our fate. I'm telling you, it was not a simple thing to do. It took me a very long time to decide it. It's hard to say goodbye but, it is harder to forgive.

It's indeed less difficult to go away than to point out the blind spots of those I care about. Rather than letting you understand that I just want to protect and love you, I simply turn my back when I get hurt. It is an easier thing to do. 

This also reminds me how time is being wasted, and how I'm missing out on the opportunity to have joyful experiences with loved ones just because it is hard for me to forgive.