Rae?

Now What?

Where do I go from here? I am always running, or wanting to. Why can't I? Not many people are affected by my presence, and those who are would change. I can go unnoticed, untouched, unloved. Who would want that? ...You do.. Do I? Yes, you already live in this fantasy in your head, why not make it a reality, we could change. Why would I want to? Because,,, why be this person? You aren't happy anymore, you aren't steady. Why not go drastic, change it all.. start over. You really believe this is how we want to be? I do,, and I know as well as you do.

Do you remember going out at night? All the time. Why don't we do it anymore? It's just not the same. We used to be outside and be filled with the want to stay there, to roam, to venture into the woods and never come out. Seeing the birds, the cats, even the bugs. It was just,, everything we needed. The air was soft, it smelled like freedom. Why did it change? Well. it changed because we met new people. Running away used to feel good,, it was easier because we were in a horrible situation. Now,, now we are the horrible situation, I get guilty when I think about ruining what we gave them now. We have taken all the things we used to enjoy and tossed them because to be alone is not what we want, but being with others isn't either.. I feel like I am only getting worse,, do you feel that too? Sometimes, I want to believe it isn't true, I want to believe we will make it through this time, but I just can't guarantee it anymore.I miss going out and having nothing to think about, going to the park with strangers and just sitting around, meeting new people, but not having to stay with them all night. Even just being alone at the park, driving, eating. Getting to be stupid, flirty, annoying, because I wasn't anyone's problem but my own. Why do we like it more when we are alone, but never wanting to be alone? I don't know, maybe because when we are with people that is extra care, love, passion, I have to split with someone else instead of trying to use it on us,, Does that make sense? It does,, are we ever going to fix it? .... Hello? ... I.. I don't think so.. We might just finish it before anything gets to much.. So we never get to be better again? I'm sorry. .... .... " Now what? "