Alix B oct 13th ....scorpio
Died oct 20th 2019
Redding B april8th Aries
hell I didn't realize how much you rubbed off in me until later on
I remember the first time I kissed you , standing in the dark only the stars and moon that peeked through the trees for light heavy fog I remember the fog cold and wet thick enough that by the time we were done our clothes and hair and skin was as cold and wet as the sea below...sometimes I think it was a mistake i was so little, so were you tho, 11 and 14
Our last 16 and 19...you were almost 20...
I still mourn the life I thought I'd have with you, the life I could have had with you before you took yours, I wake up in my sleep crying because I'll never have that and and neither will you and I know it wouldn't be an easy life but even if I have somthing good or even better I know it wont be what I could have had with you "we prefer familiar hells over strange heavens" I don't know if it would be either... I miss u coming to my window in the middle of the night to take me on some spontaneous adventure I miss your chaos and energy that would rub off on me and that I still cant shake j feel like I'm still plugged into a light that doesn't work properly now I need that ...whatever it is it wasn't the drugs because even when we were both sober it felt like drugs. Weather I like it or not the spark is in my vains and it just keeps burning and burning and burning
because of the stupid shit my you did and all the fucking blood isn't pretty its just fucking scary I can't take this anymore I can hear it through the headphones I can't stop fuck you fuck you I love you I wish I could just melt into you and we could both sink into the ocean you I miss you every day I wish I could forget u I hate u I wish you could meet my friends u would love them but I'm so glad you never get near them I hate you why did u leave me here I hate you I love u but I don't trust you anymore you have fucked me over too many times more than you have saved me and its worse because I can't stop seeing you and fuck fuck fuck i hate you... but that's a lie
I don't think anyone will stand with me and stare at the night sky while it's so cold we can see our breath like smoke and our hands interlocked like the icy branches f the trees...I think ... Thanks for showing me how to make flower chains
Standing in the river I swear I saw you in the trees on the other side, sitting by the fire I swear I felt your breath on my neck cold cold cold
I taught myself how to surf, I remember sitting with alix out just past the breakers out wetsuits clinging to us and not really doing much to keep out the freezing water I was always terrified of what might be under us but he would pull me out further slowly and eventually I didn't mind, surfing was somthing that we both usually did sober, for all the time we wernt sober there was a good deal if time we were, we would rise and fall with the waves for hours talking and trying to stand up the ocean gets u feeling it's own kind of high
Iv been trying to contact Redding for a while now
Bridge jumping is so fun but I'm too scared to to do it alone, it was hard in the winter alix and jas loved it tho, and swimming in the bay when the water was even colder than the icy air outside
I guess I should have put two and two together sooner, all the weapons and "games
I wanna be on the beach swings with you right now drunk af spinning eachother till we fall over
I'm using voice to text right now because I'm so fucked I'm heroin withdrawals and I hurt so bad tonight I hold my friends while they cry because when u really love somone I don't know why but for a bit even if it feels like your bones are shattering and your guts are being ripped out I'll hold every bit of my small body around them and protect them with my words and hugs, just as they protect me **** protects me so much and I thought I was in back in Aberdeen and I almost die but its better to remember that iv lived through and will keep living through and its better to ignore your own pain sometimes..I couldnt feel my arm and the blood I thought it was going to happen again I'll never forget that but I'll never forget today either in the street
