The thoughts behind my message

Him

3/18
It is nearly 3 years of this cycle of never ending and forgiving. This last break was 4 months, the longest yet. Typically we stop talking for 1 month, this time was different. I was sure it was the last time I would allow myself to fall to my knees, clenching my chest, screaming in emotional pain. Why am I starting the cycle again? WALK AWAY. RUN! There is NO good outcome to be had. Why am I torturing myself for the dopamine hit. Just for some of your love.
I know I will regret this, again.
I can't seem to stay away... Fuck..

3/21
I am trying to escape his embrace, but somehow I'm begging him not to make me leave for good.

3/26

It has been three days since we last spoke, since you last yelled and belittled me. You have been wondering if I'm blocking and banning you from my socials. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what I'm going to do. I really can't justify keeping you in my life. Despite this being very difficult for me to do, I know I have to. It's obvious. You are not good for me. Consistently feeling unheard, dismissed, undervalued, unappreciated, alone, constant need for your validation, which is so so rare to recieve.
You have asked me for a proper goodbye two days ago. I want to give it to you, but will that too go unheard, dismissed, invalidated? More than likely.

I'll write the message here and decide whether to send it after I type it out.

Our last interaction made me realize there is no longer a benefit for either of us to keep in contact. That being said, I didn't want to leave but I certainly need to. It is the end, it has been the end for a long time now. You brought clarity when you told me to never come back. I'm sorry I did come back this time, I should have resisted. I promise I wont come back again. We are too far gone to repair even a friendship. I hope you understand that this is in both of our best interest, for me to walk away.
With that said, I give you my best wishes and I truly hope you find your inner peace and happiness. Goodbye you.

3/27
It hurts. I hurt. My chest, my heart, my stomach, my gut, my mind -- it hurts. I have to keep reminding myself that the bad outweighed the good. It's time to be realistic and stop fantasizing him. There was a strong ass connection but that doesn't mean he was my soul mate, he is my soul destroyer. He can't even be bothered to apologize. I know what I did was the right thing, but why do I crave an apology? I wanted him to care... he always says he does but it sure doesn't feel like it. I can only feel deep dread and desire... Losing people is not an easy process. So much grief.
I miss you...
Two minutes ago I was angry, now the tears won't shut off. Is this acceptance or sadness?
I'm struggling to be alive right now. It hurts so badly. I'm clenching my chest on my knees, wanting to let out the most vulnerable scream. Losing you is internal torture.
I wish you knew how I felt.

I have to remind myself that nothing would ever be the same anyway. It's over. It is actually over.
Nothing you say or do would ever make things the same again. It's out of my control. I did the right thing sending the message. Sure it sucks he won't apologize, but it doesn't change a damn thing if he does except my ego.
What can I do to feel satisfied and happy with myself?

Am I supposed to burn our memories so I can heal or can I keep them and heal?
That's tough because when I think of the good times it makes me want to rekindle.

3/29
I wish I would open my email and see an apology, but I know it isn't coming.
I check multiple times a day, like an addict. My mind is consumed by thoughts of you, my feelings for you. I jump around from being angry to sad. I feel okay but I also feel shattered. I've been here too many times before. The last time we stopped talking for 4 months, I think really helped keep me from breaking again. I can't handle another full break. I fully collapsed last time. I said it was the last time I would break over you, although I said that the times before too, I really meant it last time. I kept that promise because eventhough I'm feeling these emotions, I'm not borderline psychotic. I was so close to suicide, I could taste it.
I'm proud of myself.
I'm doing great.