50 Days Of Grey (#Wattys2015)

{ t h i r t y - t h r e e } : You Can't

xxvii : unable
❝to be incapable of something.❞

[Day 37]

"Julianne... I think I'm falling... I think I'm falling in love with you again." You whisper.

I can't breath. You're kneeling too close. You're too close. 

My hearts beating a million times per second. I feel like it's going to fall out of my chest. I can't breath with you looking at me like that. With so much intensity in your eyes like you don't know whether you're going to laugh or cry like you're at the verge of something but you just can't pin point which it is. 

I've dreamed about this moment for a long time. I've imagined this happening ever since I left. I imagined coming back here and you forgiving me and falling for me again... I imagined this all, but not in this circumstance. Not this way. Not when the problem's not over and the only thing my presence near you could cause is pain. 

I want to beat myself up for what I've done, I've unintentionally put you in danger. I've put your heart in danger. I've put myself in danger. I've done all the wrong things. My emotions have gotten in the way. My heart has gotten in the way. EVERYTHING I've done has gotten in the way of keeping you safe. I wish this hadn't just dawned on me now. I wish I could turn back time- but I can't. I can't turn back time and honestly I wouldn't want to change anything... Anything but this moment. 

I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to push you away but it's the only way. You have to get away from me before I put you in more danger than just getting a broken heart.

"Greyson... You-you can't." I say tears almost spilling from my eyes.

You stand up abruptly, the tenderness in the way you moved, the gentleness in your expression gone, replaced with a stiffness that could battle a stick. You look like you we're burnt. 

"There you go again, Jules! There you go again." You say, your glare piercing my skin, burning my heart.

"Greyson... I- I'm sorry..." I say and I'm about to cry.

"No. You're not. You've done this before and I can't believe I've fallen for it again. It was so, so stupid of me to believe that things we're different." You say and the coldness in your eyes was back, that hate was back.

"You don't understand." I say, hoping with all that I am that you will listen to the pain in my voice knowing that this is hurting me as much as it is hurting you.

"Then make me understand!" You say and you're striding closer to me and I keep backing away until my back hits the wall of the cabin and you're only inches away.

You lean your forehead on mine and I don't know if it's my imagination but the coldness in your expression melts a little, the stiffness, softens a little. 

And suddenly you kiss me with as much intensity as I saw in your eyes. The kiss is fervent and filled with longing, like it was emotions pent up from all the years I'd been gone and it makes my knees go weak and I feel like I never want this to end.

But then you step back just as fast as the kiss came you pulled back. The coldness in your eyes was still there if it hadn't worsened, your eyes instead of that warm chocolate color now was as dark as coal.

"Make me understand, Julianne, because I don't understand what's going on with you. One moment you want me to forgive you and I know there's that love still in there. I know because I saw it in your eyes when you walked out of that airport. And in the next it's like you're avoiding me like the plague. I don't know what Matthew has got to do with this but what I do know is that because of him you somehow don't want to come near me."

"Make me understand. Please. Or you'll lose me even without saying a word... I want to help you," You say and your hand comes up like you want to wipe the tears that I didn't notice had spilled from eyes but your hand drops back down and you back away, "But if you don't tell me what's wrong how can I? Stop trying to solve the problem by yourself. You don't have to protect me or save me from worrying about you because I already am."

"Greyson... I'm sorry... But I can't." I can't tell you. I'm not allowed to. If I did everything will be for naught. All those years trying to get away from you to keep you safe would have been for nothing. 

"Then.. You'll lose me." You say as if giving me the choice as if questioning my actions, as if you don't want to be saying this. It's breaking my heart.

I swallow the lump in my throat and look you in the eye, "I've done it once, for the same reasons," I pause, even though it hurts, "I'll do it again." 

I'll do it again if it'd save you.

I walk away and you don't run after me. My knees have gone weak and I know if I don't go slow I may not even be able to walk at all. I feel weak, I feel like I've lost all strength to keep going. I feel broken.

I hear you from behind me hacking at the wood with the ax and I close my eyes knowing that I've done enough damage. That I can't just run back and tell you everything and tell you I'm sorry because it would cost you everything.

I walk away... For you.

~*~

I'm lying down on the bed. I'd been lying down on the bed for hours. Two hours ago they'd called me down for dinner but I said I felt sick. It was true. I did feel sick. I felt like nothing was left of my heart. I felt broken. 

It was dark in the room, pitch black everywhere just like how I felt. I smiled bitterly in the dark. Matt would have loved the sight of this. Just loved that I was suffering for all that I'd done to him. That smile soon turned to tears as I held my palm to my mouth as I sobbed the sadness, the pain, the loneliness, the heart break getting to me all at once. 

All of the sudden arms gently wrap around me. I didn't notice mom come in. 

"What's going on, sweetheart?" She asks in a soft, gentle voice.

I flip over gently and cry into her lap.

She runs her fingers through my hair to calm me down like she used to.

"It's going to be alright, honey... Mom's here now. Mom's here now." She says and she keeps running her fingers through my hair 'till I slipped into a world of dreams. 

I think I need to make my mother understand. Soon. Because when I leave. I have to have her with me.