In Memory of Him

It's Cold In Here

With trembling fingers, you smooth out the letter that you found attached to a bundle of flowers on your doorstep.

To the love of my life,                                                                                              For after the funeral

Take a deep breath, baby, I know it's not easy. Even as I sit and write this, I can feel your energy in the next room. You're always such a worrier, I'm sorry I've added to that. It'll all be better soon, I promise. But, I know you and I know that you'll pull away, you'll cut yourself off...and we can't have that, now can we? You have to keep going if we're to stay connected even after I'm gone. So, here's the first of a collection of some things that you can hold and look back on when the storm starts to roll in.

There are only so many words in existence to describe what you mean to me. So, instead of words, I want you to remember these feelings:

Warmth - like the sun on your face while you read a great book

Satisfaction - the way you sigh softly after a good, lazy day in bed

Contentment - waking up with a smile on your face every morning

Peace - that moment of quiet before the rain starts, when the scent of petrichor filters in

These are all the things you've brought into my life the last seven years. I've never been able to look at the sun, sleeping, smiles, or storms the same. Never did I imagine I'd meet and marry such a beautiful, kind-hearted soul with a genuinely unique outlook on life. I never had to be reminded to smile because it just came so naturally whenever you were around. You have brought so much light into my world and gave me the best years of my life. You also gave me Sujin, the perfect little replica of myself even if you think he looks more like you than me (I secretly agree, but that's not something I'll admit outloud). When I look at our wonderful son, I'm reminded of the beauty that first drew me to you all those years ago. Being his father is the second greatest achievement of my life, the first being making you fall madly in love with me...don't laugh, you know it's true. Many people see things in black and white, a beginning and an end...but our life isn't like that. We're full of color and everything in between. You've supported me at my best and have loved me at my worst. Everything good in my life is because of you. I know you'll always love me and I know it won't be easy once I'm gone but I need you to promise me you'll continue to wake up with that smile on your face and never forget how the sun feels or how beautiful the quiet before the storm is. I need my light, my girl, to keep going. Be that guiding light so I know exactly where you are in the world as I watch over you and Sujin. We knew forever wasn't guaranteed, that's just the way life is, right? This doesn't mean it's over, not by a long shot. You still have so much more to give, so much more love to offer.

By now Taehyung has probably spilled the beans, at least, if you're reading this he has. I know you'd never forget about me, that's not what this letter is for—it's not a reminder of me, it's a reminder to live, love, and keep shining. There are more where this came from, but not until you're ready for them. I love you so much, never stop living—for me, for Sujin...for you.

Love forever,

Your Yejun

The letter crumples in your fist, the bundle of hibiscus and lavender it was attached to forgotten on the step between your feet as you bury your face in the crook of your elbow and scream. It's better that way—the symbolism of the hibiscus flower on a letter from Yejun is a punch to the gut when he's no longer here. Eternity? Bullshit. The sound is muffled into the thick wool of your coat but no less filled with agony. As if the day wasn't hard enough, everything went belly-up when you found the flowers and the letter on your door step. You choke on a breath of air as you try to control yourself.