D.M. Hate.

Ch.6

I never ended up finding a date to Hogsmeade, but lucky for me, Bells was willing to postpone her dare another week.
I hardly slept that night or the night after. I couldn't pinpoint what it was but something was curdling inside my gut and forcing me to invest every waking second to it.
My run in with Malfoy was on my mind non stop. I never expected to feel those urges, especially toward him. I felt as though I had betrayed my very being in allowing him to have that effect on me. But every time I thought back on it, my skin stung with regret and urgency for the things I hadn't done with him.
It's only physical. It's completely natural for a hormonal teenager to get these sensations even from the most despicable characters.
I was late to DADA, missing breakfast and hardly having time to brush my teeth.
When I walked into class, Professor Snape looked at me with such distaste I felt I had to doublecheck my appearance. I'm late to one class, is it that big a deal?
We had class with Slytherin today and I normally would sit next to Gretchen before her friends came and surrounded her. Bells wasn't in this class. Somehow her classes at Beauxbaton covered that part of her education and she was pretty much able to choose any of the classes she wanted because of her grades. If jealousy had a name.
"Miss. Benton! I would say not to come in at all if you choose to be late, but I am your teacher so I have no such luxury of opinion," he curls his lip, "sit down."
Why, out of all days, did Slytherin have to share a class with us today?
And before I could move or get a single word in, he interrupts me once more, "Oh, and five points from Hufflepuff."
I roll my eyes and walk to the nearest and only open seat. The hairs on my arm stand. Malfoy.
He doesn't turn to look at me when I sit, it almost seemed unnatural the amount of effort he made not to acknowledge my presence. I let my gaze linger on him only a minute then I turned to reach for my book. My book. Shit.
I felt a nudge to my right. Malfoy made a curt nod toward his book.
I blinked, "thank you."
The corner of his mouth twitched.
The lesson drawled on and on for the next couple minutes but I couldn't seem to retain any of the knowledge taught. There was a web between me and the boy beside me, it stuck us in place and wove into spots inside of me that I never knew could be accessible to anyone but myself. But it was also sharp and caused my senses to be heightened with caution.
His breathing was steady but I could hear and feel each time he had to actively slow them down. His left hand was on the desk, gently tapping the tip of his quill, and his right was wrapped around his abdomen, making his lazy position more poignant with the angle of his neck and waist.
It was interesting analyzing him when he was so wound up in his thoughts, almost still except for his breaths and hand. Most of the time when Id see him around, he was strutting the halls laughing with his friends. But right then, in that moment, he was the same boy on the train reading his book.
I stopped myself from staring too long, even if I was subtle about it, I had more reasons to not get caught up in whatever this strange tension was whenever I saw him.
His hands were so pale and I could see every major vain, each nerve twitching with the smallest movements.
"Miss Benton!" I am snapped out of my daze by the voice of Professor Snape, "Did you hear a single word I just spoke to you all?"
I clear my throat, "oh—um— no, I'm sorry professor."
"Five more points from Hufflepuff, now go on to work with the partner you were assigned. I will not repeat myself so you had better hurry up and find them yourself!"
"Yes, professor,"
I lean back in my chair with a sigh, defeatedly searching around the classroom for anyone who might not have their partner yet.
"No use in straining your pretty neck, love, I'm right here," it was Malfoy.
I groan, "Oh, merlin."
"Now is not the time nor the place to be making those noises, love." He smirks lazily.
I backhand slap his upper arm, and he jokingly cradles it as if I had actually caused him any harm at all.
"Shut up and tell me what we're working on."
"First off is your attitude and seco—"
I gasp, "Malfoy! Would you quit it for just a second?"
He laughs, feigning surprise, "If you had listened for a second more I was going to tell you!"
I groan again, stretching my neck in annoyance, "Just shove it and get on with it, Malfoy."
"Alright, no need to get so wound up, love."
"Would you mind not calling me that?"
"I would, yes."
I let out an exasperated sigh and he looks at me expecting a response no doubt.
"Fine," he breaks eye contact and pulls out his book and flips to a page— I am unable to see which.
"Are you going to help me or what?" He raises his eyebrow at me with a smile.
I nod and in one movement he grabs the closest corner of my chair and pulls it right next to him so that we can both see the page we have to reference from. He doesn't remove his hand, but instead rests it on the opposite corner of my chair, so that his arm is practically around my shoulders.
The project was to label each antidote for a vampire's bite. Snape had obviously not dropped his interest in potions and oddly he seemed hesitant to do any real defensive lessons. It had been an easy and quick project, Id thought once we finished. Apparently he had also wanted a listing of their names in each common language. We had failed, of course.
I stood from my chair, picking up my bag that more than likely was empty but for maybe a few quills and spare pages of notes and blank paper.
I was more than five steps from the classroom when Malfoy matched my stride.
"Hey," he says.
"What?"
"Can't I just keep you company?"
"No." I say, deadpan.
He stalks off, and a cool breeze flashes past me.
I breath.
The rest of my classes that day were just as slow as the first, although not nearly as stressful.
In the great hall, I looked around to see if Bells was around. I recalled, then, that she had mentioned skipping since she had so much studying to do. Lily and Lia hardly ever went to the hall for dinner anyway since they would run by the kitchen and bring their food to the dorm. That would also mean I wouldn't have to bring Bells anything to eat.
Gretchen waved me down. I blinked a few times, almost in shock at her offer. She hadn't done that since fourth year.
I quickly walked over and set next to her.
"Maeve!" She cheers my name, "how have you been? It's felt like forever!"
I smile, her friends all surrounded us but I noticed that Caroline wasn't anywhere near by.
"Ive been fine," I say, "I feel the same though, it feels like we hardly see each other anymore—" I was so exhilarated at how our encounter was going. After so much time apart, it was nice to know that she missed me and that I wasn't the only one who thought it had been too long.
She interrupts me with a tight laugh, "ugh, I know. I was just thinking about you the other day."
"Really?" My heart leaps.
"Yes," she has that twinkle in her eye, "I really missed going shopping with you and hanging out with you and your brother those days by the lake and field." She pouts.
"Yeah, I do too," my smile softens.
Then her voice lowers to a whisper and she looks around some, "I hope this doesn't come out too strong, Mae-Mae, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor?"
I nod profusely, "Yeah, of course. What is it?"
"Oh! I knew you would be willing!" She turns to look at each her friends' faces, "I told you guys she was cool with this stuff."
They all nod and agree with a few mumbled words.
"I was wondering if you could set me up with somebody?" She shrugs her shoulders in humility of her position.
"Who?"
"Um, well—" she giggles, turning again to her friends with a knowing look, "James' friend? Peter?"
The excitement inside of me completely deflates and the ground feels like quicksand. I wish it were. I wish anything could happen at this exact moment, anything in the world to suck me away. Oh, Gretchen... I can't get a single word out. I knew one thing immediately though. I would not let that piece of filth near her, not in a million years, or a split seconds' time.
"Gretchen, I can't."
She squints her eyes at me, "What?"
"Can we talk in the corridor?" I suggest, quietly.
She looks frustrated but complies anyway.
Outside the Great Hall, I hold one of her hands in mine.
"Don't go near Peter," I say.
"Why?" Her tone is snappy and shes scrunched her nose up.
"He isn't somebody you want to spend time with, please trust me." I plead.
"What the hell are you on about, Maeve? What is so wrong with him?"
I don't know how to tell her what I want to tell her without telling her. I can't say what he did to me. I don't know why it feels so impossible to do, but I cannot allow myself to let anyone know what he did to me. What he made me.
I come up with a solution, something that may be successful or may not be, "I heard from a girl in our year that he tried to take advantage of her."
That was good. Not too specific, but it got the point across.
But then she does something that shocks me. She scoffs.
"You really expect me to believe that?" She shrieks, "I remember your little crush you had on him when we were younger. You just want him all to yourself, dont you?"
I take in a sharp breath, "wha—no! Thats not what I'm doing at all, I swear."
"Nice try, Benton. I'm not buying it and if you think Im that stupid then you had better reevaluate this entire friendship!"
"What do you mean?"
"Fuck, dont act so stupid, Mae. I never liked you, you are just a pest and the only reason I ever even spoke to you at all was because I felt sorry for you."
My chest was heaving and I could see the ceiling sway.
"And you know what else? That is a sick thing to lie about. How dare you say shit like that just to get a boy who probably doesn't even want you."
My skin prickled, the floor beneath me becoming less stable with every second.
"You're pathetic."
Oh, Gretchen, I am sorry.

A shallow hole was developing within me, so much empty space but never enough for what truly mattered.
I was sitting on the floor of Moaning Myrtles bathroom, braiding strands of my hair together, waiting for everything to become at ease so I could go back to the dorm, but it did not feel like that would happen any time soon.
Even Myrtle had gotten sick of my sobs. I must've intimidated her. Or I had somehow gained a slice of sympathy from her that allowed me time alone without her nagging inquiries.
My body was shaking still and this utter shame inside of me was almost entirely overwhelming my conscious. So much so that it was moving from my consciousness to the nerves in my fingers and the organs in my front. The sobs had subsided at last, but I was sure that any minor thing might set them off again if I wasn't careful.
Finally, I decided I was capable of returning back without obvious evidence that I'd completely lost it. I exited the bathroom, unaware of what time it was. I had really better invest in a watch.
Just to be safe, and also hearing no one else around, I thought I'd remain as quiet as possible to avoid being seen.
I turned the corner only to spot the figure of a platinum blonde boy. Fuck fuck fuck.
I wasn't even sure if prefects were allowed out this late, but I wasn't going to risk using that to my advantage.
"Who's there?"
Shit.
"Hello?" He says, "Lumos!"
Caught.
"Benton?" He doesn't sound annoyed so thats a relief.
"Hello, Malfoy."
He sighs and leans against the wall, letting the tension in his shoulders relax. He looks bored.
I stood awkwardly for a second, "so, um, what're you doing out here?" I realize how stupid a question it is once it comes out.
"Go to your dorm."
I blink quickly, frustrated, "excuse me?"
"I said, go to your room."
"I heard you, but you could've been a little less rude."
He rolls his eyes, leaning his head against the wall, looking at the ceiling.
"Stop making this difficult and just go to your room before I have to report you."
Why has he been looking so exhausted lately?
I hesitate, "Malfoy, are you alright?" I begin to approach him, and he doesn't make a single effort to stop me.
He's silent, "I understand that you don't want me to pry but—"
"Then don't!" He finally looks me in the eyes, jumping off from the wall, "Can't you listen to me for once? And for Merlins sake, stop making everything so confusing!"
"I don't know what you're talking about—"
"Obviously not," his voice is weak, "One day, you're all pissed at me, pushing me away and saying you hate me and the next you're acting as if you give a shit about me?" I can hear the strain in his voice, "pick one, Benton, cause I can't do that for you."
I take several quick breaths, attempting to compose the tears threatening to come out again, "Maybe do a better job at ignoring my sympathy because, believe me, I have no intention of giving a single shit about you!"
"See? Just one fucking second ago you're asking if Im 'alright' and now you say that it was all just for what? Entertainment? Guilt? Well, fuck you and do a better job at faking sympathy because it's never been so obvious that an act was insincere!"
"Fuck you, Malfoy, and god help every person who's ever given a damn about you because you make it impossible to—"I bite my tongue.
He's seething now, "go to your fucking room, or I swear you'll be going right back to your parents!"
I can hardly breathe. For a second it seemed he might not be the sadistic asshole I thought but once again he proved me wrong.
"I hate you," I say through barred teeth, "I hate you, Malfoy!" Tears begin to fall down my cheek.
His demeanor softens for a split second, "wh— I don't care what you think, now leave."