I Love You Still

Chapter 4. The Protest

August 28, 2010

''Jamie, I've been thinking,'' Mam says, seriously. ''About what?'' I put my phone down on the table and take a sip of my tea. ''I think ye should go to the protest of the car accidents,'' she says. ''Why?'' I ask surprised. ''Because it might help, ye can do yer story and it might help people to be more careful on the road, knwing what the consequences could be,'' she explains and I put my cup in the dishwasher. ''I cannae talk about her death to anyone wi'out crying Mam, I willna embarres myself in front of everyone,''

She sighs ''Why would ye embarres yerself?'' I look at her in disbelief and scoff. ''She's been death for 2 years, 11 months and 2 days and guess what? I'm still broken about it!'' I laugh sarcastically. ''It makes me look weak, Mam. Still sobbing over someone after nearly 3 years!" She shakes her head in protest. ''No! Jamie it doesn't make you look weak! It looks like yer grieving for someone you loved so dearly!''

A tear falls down my cheek and I turn to leave. Mam grabs my arm and pulls me into a tight hug. ''Listen to me Jamie. What happend to Claire isna yer fault, she was taken away from in a brutal way and ye had no control over. It is totally normal that yer still grieving over her and it doesna make ye look weak,'' she says and I nod. ''Thank ye Mam. For always being there for me, truly,'' She kisses my cheek and lets go of me. ''Always, remember that,'' I grab my jacket and before I head out mam stops me once again. ''Talk about this protest and these feelings in therapy, dear. It might help,''

''Aye, I will,'' I wave her goodbye. ''I love you Jamie!'' She yells when I'm in the car. I smile at her and yell back. ''I love ye too, Mam!'' If there is someting we learned from Claire's accident is to never EVER under no circumstances leave wi'out and 'I Love You'.

-----

I knock at the door at exactly 3 pm and Mr Cameron opens the door seconds later. ''Ah! Mr Fraser, right on time, come in!'' he says energetically. ''Thank you, mr Cameron,'' I say and I hang my coat on the coat rack. We sit down with some water and mr Cameron grabs his notebook. ''Is there anything you specifically want to talk about today or is it the usual stuff?''

''There's actually 2 things I'd like to talk about today, 1 more urgent then the other,'' I say and he indicates me to tell him. ''I've been asked to protest against the road. People say to many accidents happen these days and they want to protest for better ones. They asked me so I can share my story there, about Claire,''

''Are you going to do it or not?'' mr Cameron asks and I shrug. ''I have mixed feelings about it. I want to tell everyone so they're more careful and don't have tae go trough what I went trough but the second I start talking about her death, I break down in tears,'' I explain and he nods. ''I understand you don't want to cry in front of everyone but that is what makes the story real, the grief makes it real. And it's not wrong to show it,''

''My mam said the same,'' I say giving him a wee smile. ''Ye think I should do it?'' He nods but I see he hesitates a bit. ''I think I could be a great step towards healing, by speaking of it publicly but you must feel completely comfortable with it,''

''I want to I think, I might do it,'' I say eventually after a few minutes. ''Do ye have any tips for me?'' he nods and I take a sip of my water. ''Take people with you with whom you're comfortable, like your parents or siblings, it might calm you down to see familiar faces,''

-----

August 31 2010, day of the protest

I come downstairs looking as decents as possible. White blouse, black trousers and and black leather jacket. Mam, Dad and Jenny decided they'd come along wi' me. Even though I said they didna need to, I'm glad they're coming wi'.