tears of a clown

i wrote this after my mother called me my abusive, alcoholic father's name :)

enjoy

Alan Sylvester was an alcoholic. Not everyone knew this, though most people who met him assumed as such. With his wife leaving him and his son hating him, he might as well have been the blueprint for alcoholics.

He started drinking before she left, and his son didn't hate him. Part of the reason his wife left was because she couldn't handle the drinking, and Alan thinks his son hates him, but in reality, he didn't feel entirely safe around his father's drinking problem. And it's not even like Hunter was avoiding him. Alan was the one who was never home, always at work or banging some woman.

All that being said, no, Hunter did not like his father. He didn't hate his father. Hunter didn't think he had it in him to hate the man, even with all of the anger and resentment he held towards the man. He didn't think he could hate him because his father was the only family he had left. His grandparents were dead, his mother was gone, all Hunter had left was his father, and he didn't even have him. He didn't hate him but didn't think he loved him either. He wanted to, but he didn't know if he could. Not with the way their current relationship was anyway.

It's not like Alan liked his son all that much anyway. Hunter looked just like his mother, which upset him. He didn't understand his son at all. What with his satanic music and abrasive attitude. Alan thought his son was rude and disrespectful and looked too much like his mother. The two never had a good relationship. It wasn't good before Hunter's mother left, and it plummeted downhill afterward. Sometimes when Alan looks at Hunter, all he sees is his wife, that whore.

Hunter never really knew the whole reason his mother left. He knew it had something to do with his father's drinking and one of them cheating, but he never found out who cheated on whom. Hunter always assumed that his father had been the one to break their vows, knowing after Hunter's mother left how quick Alan was to get up some or other nurse's skirt. He mostly blamed his father for making her leave, and a small part of Hunter blamed himself.

In reality, they both cheated on each other. Hunter's parents might have loved each other at the beginning of their relationship, but as the two adults spent more time together, they grew to hate each other. Alan drank, Donna smoked, and they both slept with people they weren't married to. They tried not to let their problems get to their son. He was so young, but he knew they weren't happy. Then, when Hunter was in seventh grade, Donna left.

. . .

Alan and Hunter were in another fight. It was more of a screaming match, really. Both tried to top the other by seeing how loud each could get. The loser being whoever lost their voice first. Not really, but that's what it felt like. The problem was a bit more serious this time. Alan had caught Kevin and Hunter making out. He had gone down to Hunter's room to yell at him about his report card but had found out that his son and son's best friend were more than friends. Kevin had left, and now it was just the two Sylvesters standing in the living room near the door. "Oh, so you're one of them queers then, is that it?" Alan yelled.

"Yeah, Dad! And so what if I am?" Hunter yelled back.

"So I'm just gonna assume that Kevin isn't the first boy you kissed with your filthy mouth."

"Why the fuck should that even matter?" Hunter asked.

"You're a slut, just like your mother," Alan stated firmly.

"Fuck you!" Hunter screamed, voice wavering slightly.

Hunter ran down to his room, reeling from the last four words that came out of his father's mouth. Just like his mother. He slammed his door and grabbed his guitar. Playing always made him feel better. It was a good outlet for his emotions, but he didn't think he could right then. Hunter didn't know what exactly he was feeling, but he knew they weren't good. He felt conflicted for some reason. His father's words had filled him with dread. Dread and some sort of longing. He longed for a time when his family was happy. That thought then made him feel worse because he couldn't find a memory of his family happy when they were all together.

Clutching his guitar to his chest, he longed for a mother who stayed and a father who loved him. He longed for what he could never have. He knew his father didn't like him, even less so after today, and that hurt. A parent should love their child no matter what. Hunter's lip trembled, but he refused to cry. He refused to let what Alan said get to him, not more than it already had.

Hunter laid back on his bed, his guitar in his hands. He still had metal, he still had his band, and he still had Kevin. Kevin. He should check up on Kevin.

He ran back upstairs and, ignoring his father in the room connecting to the living room, grabbed his keys and walked out the door. Turning on his car, "Painkiller" by Judas Priest blasted through the speakers. Hunter immediately turned it down. He wanted to gather himself a bit, and Judas would only have fueled his anger right then.

On the short drive to Kevin's, he tried to think about what to say to him. He wondered if his dad would let Kevin come over ever again, not that it would stop him if he said no. When Hunter arrived, he stepped out of his car and walked up to the Schlieb's door. Kevin had seen him coming through the window, and before Hunter could even knock on the door, Kevin opened it for him and enveloped him in a hug. "Hey, are you okay? I'm so sorry I left so abruptly." Kevin got out before Hunter could even say hello.

"I'm fine, and it's okay. I didn't want you to see us fight anyway." Hunter stated.

"Are you sure you're okay? You kind of look like you're gonna cry."

"I'm not gonna fucking cry."

"Yeah, well that piece of shit doesn't deserve your tears anyway. Do you wanna come inside?" Kevin asked.

Hunter nodded and followed the shorter boy to his room. Both boys sat on Kevin's bed, his blue bedding unmade from when he awoke that morning. The orangish-brown walls and space-themed posters were a welcomed comfort to Hunter, who was still upset from the fight with his father.

Hunter nodded and followed the shorter boy to his room. Both boys sat on Kevin's bed, his blue bedding unmade from when he awoke that morning. The orangish-brown walls and space-themed posters were a welcomed comfort to Hunter, who was still upset from the fight with his father.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Kevid asked Hunter.

"No." Hunter replied.

"You sure? You look more upset than you usually do after a fight with your dad."

"Okay." Hunter sighed. Hunter was never good about talking his feelings out, but it was a little easier with his boyfriend. He knew Kevin would never judge him, and so he told Kevin what his dad had said to him and how it made him feel and he felt a little better afterward.