Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1186: Thursday 26th December 2019

Entry 1186
Thursday 26th December 2019

The woman in the shed is missing!

It all kicked off late in the morning when Naomi, Mike and Mia came round and along with Mum and Auntie Meryl we all spoke about the mysterious woman in the shed. "Right then," I said, "Are we all agreed that we need to radio through to GRID HQ?" "The radio?" said Auntie Meryl, "Are you requesting a song? Can it be Keith Richards, Mistletoe and Wine? I like that one." "Cliff Richard," said Mum. "I don't know that song," said Auntie Meryl. "It's a person not a song," said Mum. "He sang Saviours Day, didn't he?" asked Mike. "Keith Richards?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No, Cliff Richards," said Mike. "Is it Richard or Richards?" asked Mum. "It's Richard, isn't it?" said Mike. "No one called Richard sang Saviours Day," said Auntie Meryl. "Cliff Richard," said Mum. "What about him?" asked Auntie Meryl. "He sang Saviour's Day," said Mum. "So, who sang Mistletoe and Wine?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Is Mistletoe something you eat with wine or is it some sort of missile?" asked Mia. "It's a song," said Mum. "By Keith Richards," said Auntie Meryl. "No, Cliff Richards," said Mike. "Cliff Richard," said Mum. "So, who's Keith Richards?" asked Auntie Meryl. "OH MY GOD!!" I loudly yelled, "CAN WE STOP GOING ON ABOUT ALL THIS POINTLESS SH*T!? There's a weird woman out there in our shed and you lot are sat in here talking about Cliff Richard! We need to decide what we're going to do!?" "Well, I think we should request Mistletoe and Wine, AND Saviour's Day," said Auntie Meryl, "That way everyone's happy. What other songs did he sing?" "Oh, for God's sake," I snapped, rolling my eyes, "We don't talk anymore, Devil Woman." "Don't talk to me like that you cheeky sod," said a firm Auntie Meryl, "I'm trying to talk to you right now, and if anyone round here's a devil woman it's your slut of a mother." "I got dressed up as a devil for Halloween once," said Mum. "So?" said Auntie Meryl, "I once got dressed up as an oompa loompa but it doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life looking at every man's willy wonka." "oompa loompa," said Mia, "Is that a country near China somewhere?" "Willy Wonka?" asked Mike. "No, oompa loompa," said Mia. "You're thinking of Kuala Lumpur," said Mum, "Capital of Malaysia." "M," said Mia. "OH MY GOD WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!" I loudly snapped, "We've got a woman in the shed and we need to do something with her! Now will you all just shut up! Because clearly a conversation isn't going to work here, so I'm going to say what we're going to do! We're going to radio through to GRID, tell them we need to speak to Tinsley, then we'll tell him all about the woman in the shed." "That's a film with Maggie Smith," said Auntie Meryl. "That's The Woman in the Van," said Mum. "Lady," said Mike. "Woman in the lady? Auntie Meryl, "That sounds like lesbian porn. I don't think Maggie Smith would do that. Mind you if she's fallen on hard times and living in a van..." "Stop right there," I firmly said, "I'm not going to get dragged into another long-winded pointless conversation." "I just hope GRID are going to be nice to her," said Mia. "Maggie Smith? Said Auntie Meryl. "The woman in the shed!" I exclaimed. "I thought it was the woman in the van?" said Auntie Meryl. "Lady," said Mike. "SHUT UP!" I loudly said, "Mia, I'm sure GRID will do what they think is best. Now none of us have told anyone about the woman in the shed, have we?" "I told Betty Crack about it," said Auntie Meryl, "She didn't reckon much to it." "That's the Woman in the Van!" I snapped. "Lady," said Mike. "I've had sex in a van," said Mum, "I've sex in a shed too." "You've had sex in a skip," said Auntie Meryl. "Oh, for crying out loud," I said, quickly losing the will to live. "Luke, none of us have told anyone about the woman," said Naomi. "She's right," said Mum, "The only people who know are the people in this room."

Without any further ado I radioed through to GRID, explained that we had an urgent situation and that we needed Tinsley to come round ASAP. A few moments later, Tinsley came to the radio and he sounded rather pleasant. Again, this was rather out of character, but I was rather relieved that he was being agreeable rather than being aggressive. Tinsley said that he would come straight over and we all waited for him in the living room. "Right then," I said, as I sat next to Naomi on the arm chair, "Sorted." A quiet pause followed which was eventually broken when Auntie Meryl said something. "So, did you ask for Saviour's Day or Mistletoe and Wine?" she asked. I rolled my eyes and said nothing.