WARNING ⚠ : Please read with caution as the following talks about symptoms of mental health issues. If you have been dealing with insomnia, you're not wanting to eat, you're stressed, or you're feeling lonely, don't be afraid to seek help.
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I am journaling my first experience of an attack I was aware of what was happening around me, but I did not fully know what was happening within me. My mind.
Physically, I am here, lying in bed. My brain, though, was awakened by my subconscious, which sounded like people were gossiping. I was hearing voices. It sounded like people were gossiping. I gathered from the experience that the gossiping sounded like people's voices that I knew.
Right now, I feel as though I'm having people over, and they're talking about all sorts of things but aren't involving me in their conversation. I'm merely a listener. Crazy, because this kind of led me to think I was hearing thoughts that God has to deal with on a daily basis.
I am aware that I am being wondered about by others. Let me be honest, it is flattering. Don't get me wrong. What I am in need of is not getting too much into my head. The biggest topic of conversation is about me repeating 12th grade. I know that to them, I am smart. More than enough to get an A. But really, there are more reasons to do a grade in high school again.
This led me to reflect on the year I was in the 11th grade. I had a deskmate who was passive-aggressive in his interactions with me. We were assigned to sit together for the year. I thought that was all it was. I never knew how much of an effect it had on my mental state. Remembering how he beat me overall in the annual exams stung me. He was gaining knowledge while I was being brainwashed. That's what it was. I was brainwashed.
He took my study methods while I used his books. Or so I thought I needed to. He overheard conversations with me talking about my family, while I heard him talk about his family directly to me. I don't even know who the bad guy is here. We, after all, were kids who were just enrolled in a prestigious school, and now our own family name just keeps us guarded if we make history for the school.
Getting to know how he functions has made me realize that guys just want the body. When they know you, they want to try to get to your body. The more details they know about you, the more they try to resist wanting your body. When they see that you are civilized towards them, they get information from their squad or something of that sort.
Now, when all that has happened and they've given up on trying, it just makes you realize who you are—a person who's focused, not easily wavered, and grounded in religion.
This experience seemed to make me ready for the unexpected. I'm realizing that I passed through 'life and death' trials. Finding myself in God with my mom's help has only made me stronger. According to Scishow on YouTube, writing my thoughts helps my brain mature and keep itself occupied.
As the attack was going on, I prayed over the loved ones I hold dear to my heart. I'm so grateful for the Lord in my spiritual life. My request to God would be to take the utmost care of my mother, my first cousins, and their families.
It just occurred to me that I only care for certain people. Instead, I ask you, Lord, to protect the people who meant no harm to my family or me. Thank you, Lord, for this time for me to reflect on this experience.
As if simultaneously, my head voice started praying all the verses that I'd memorised by heart. The journey in my life has helped me to withstand and eradicate the attack directed at me. *The song I wrote as my act of worship to God was no coincidence. * It just worked in providing my devotion to the Lord. I am just eighteen. This is not the first time. Whatever this is out there, it is coming to get me. It's not basic. It's as complex as the most mind-threatening chemical known to man.
This year, 2021, is teaching me life lessons within me. As I go through each day, I think about You more. It's like I just want to have a passing-time conversation like I would when I have my neighbours over. As I am writing this, I feel a lot lighter in my heart. For this, I thank You so much, Lord. I want to grow in wisdom by following You. Like Mom said, I need to be morally strong in You because others trust me.
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In Fiji, the child toll-free helpline is 1325. Children/teenagers dealing with personal issues can be helped by this helpline.
Some things that I've had to learn the hard way about mental health care are to keep learning new things (language, instrument, sport, subject). Duolingo, Udemy free courses, and adult colouring are good places to start.
If you like to listen to music on a daily basis, I suggest the following playlists made by Spotify:
1. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX8Uebhn9wzrS?si=be3c1ab203f24669
2. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DWXe9gFZP0gtP?si=9d9f99199d764780
3. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1E4pFPSBvlzAJK?si=bab33465341d4476
*The song that was mentioned in this chapter is on SoundCloud. You can listen to it for free using this link: https://soundcloud.com/grace-qovu/its-an-original-the-man-upstairs/
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The Diary of a Fijian Kid
RandomThis is an account of diary entries over the years. I don't have much to describe because I don't want to spoil it. If ever someone who knows me reads this, just know that at the time the entries were written, they were purely based on my opinions...
