Ruined.
Is that what I am now?
A choice was taken from me. I needed that control back, craved the idea of having a choice again. I could have waited; I could have let it be special, but the loss of control was too much. There were too many showers where I scrubbed my skin endlessly, too many nights I cried myself to sleep. I searched for that control, for the choice that was taken from me. I allowed strangers to touch me, to 'love' me, and I told myself it was my choice. I told myself it was my choice even when it hurt, even when images from the past flashed through my head, even when I did not want to keep going. It was my choice. That's what I told myself. I allowed myself to trust a boy, he caressed me and made love to me time and time again. It was my choice. All the others were forgotten, nothing more than a choice I made for one night. I gained confidence, perhaps I could trust these boys. Maybe they were not all bad, maybe they would give me a choice. I went to the next, in hopes of trusting him. I did as he asked, kept quiet when he wanted, remained shirtless for others when he demanded. I thought if I could please him enough, I could build that trust, I could learn what choice was. I was so afraid of losing him, of losing control, I let myself go. I did what he asked, what he wanted, what he demanded, even if I did not agree with it. It was a mistake.
I tried to tell him it hurt, I just wanted to readjust. The words coming from my mouth never reached his ears. I tried to tell him again. It did not matter. I tried to readjust myself, to reposition because it was hurting. I couldn't move. It hit me then, he was not giving me a choice. He was enjoying himself so he would not move. No matter that I wanted to stop. No matter that I told him to stop. I could, I should, have fought him. I should have screamed, pushed him off, hit him. There were so many things I should have done. But I did not. Instead, I froze, I accepted what was happening to me and went far away in my mind. To a place where I had a choice, to a place where I wanted it. When he was done with me, I said nothing. I continued as normal, as he would have wanted me to.
That is when my need for control destroyed me. I refused to accept that it had happened again, that my choice had been taken from me again. I needed it to be my decision. So, I returned. I fucked him and the only thing I cared about was that it was my choice. I fucked him and put what had happened out of my mind. I fucked him and destroyed myself in the process.
That need for control only grew. I never saw him again. I continued to take boys to my bed, never again more than once. I only cared about having a choice. I don't remember all their names but there were many. I used them to satisfy my demand for control, but they also used me. They used my body for their pleasure, not always concerned with mine. I endured the pain, the flashbacks, the anxiety, all to regain that choice that was taken from me. I became heartless, never caring for their feelings or having any interest in pursuing anything further. I was only concerned with my choice.
"I hate the guys that ruin gentle women."" You were made for rough sex." He spoke those words out loud, not realizing the impact they would have on my life. He was a good man, there was no one like him. He had nothing but pure intentions if I allowed him. But I did not. I thought I was still searching for control but by the time I realized I was searching for him; it was too late. Yet those words stayed with me. Words he probably does not remember saying. I was indeed made for rough sex; it had always been rough. Rough because no one bothered to be gentle with me; they were all there for themselves, for their pleasure, no matter how it hurt me. He did not care about those things. It was never about pleasure but rather a connection between people. A concept I was unfamiliar with and afraid of. He was the one who snapped me out of my search for control. Yet the word ruin, that stays with me. Is that what I have done all this time? Ruined myself?
Ruined.
Is that what I am now?
