up until about a year ago it was hard for me to envision the future
i was told zoloft would help with this when it, in fact, just made me want to die sooner so i didn't have to worry about it
but when i started on the venlafaxine, through dose changes and mood swings and everything in between, i was able to start hoping again
its manifested in weird ways though
like before when i would think about what i wanted to do with my life i'd find myself spiraling at the concept alone or beating myself up for not figuring it out sooner
but things are different now
my vision for the future has changed a lot, but the major checkpoints all remain the same
-i want to move out
-i want to get my own horse again
-i want to be happy
its all so achievable, one of them is already done
i surround myself with people i love, who encourage me to build a good life for myself
but now things have shifted a little bit
now my future has you in it
now everything i've wanted to accomplish has you alongside me doing it too, or supporting me along the way
and i hope i get to achieve that
i want to experience the hollow nights and the days we can't stop laughing
i want to experience the anxiety and be there to take care of you through it
i want to endure the storms with you so the rainbow can shine brighter when its all done
nothing scares me if it means you're there
i am in this for the long haul,
no matter what. i promise.
i know i can write that a million times, and i know you read it, but i hope you feel it genuinely
i hope the fire that tends itself with eternal lumber, fueled by everything about you, reaches some part of the anxiety and trauma that eats away at you. i hope it scares it a little, i hope it makes it feel warm and keeps it at bay
i love you, sawyer
