Never forgetting her. (A joshifer story)

Chapter 1

I step out if the shower and wrap a fluffy towel around my body that used to make me feel warm and safe now I feel empty, from the pit of my stomach. I dry myself off and grab a bra and underwear sliding them on and taking my robe from the hook on the door and putting it on my body. My house is quite, which is unusual but josh knows the way I grieve, I'd much rather be alone. I take my hair from the towel atop of my head and shake it out and run a few products through it and dry it. I comb the long blonde locks out and a sudden knock at the door makes me jump, "Jennifer are you okay" Josh's voice coos comfortingly, "yeah I'm fine" I croak pathetically, I messed that up I know he's not going to believe me. "Can I come in?" He asks. I stay silent and he takes that as my answer, I hear his feet walk away for the door, a burning sensation stings my eyes but I can't fall apart. Not now. I know josh is upset, he grieves with people he wants to be with people. I slowly curl my hair dreading seeing my baby girl for the last time. I stand up and quickly do my makeup which I know that I will soon cry off, I grab my baby blue dress, Chloe's favorite color, I slip it on my body and it feels like she's close to me. I step out if the bathroom to see josh in a nwhite dress shirt with a baby blue tie and light brown dress pants. "You look beautiful" he whispers standing up from where he was sitting on the bed. "You look good too" I croak again before his warm steady arms embrace me, "I can't believe she's actually gone" I whimper. He kisses the top of my head and steadies me and I pull back and wipe the tears that shed from my eyes. "She's not in anymore pain, you know?" He whispers and presses his forehead to mine, "I know" I whimper "I just want to hear her little giggle again, goddammit she was only 4" he nods against my forehead. "We need to go, people will start showing up in an hour" he whispers and wordlessly he intertwines his finger with mine and we walk to our car, he opens the door for me and I slide in straightening my dress, he shuts the door and walks to the drivers side and gets in. He takes my hand in his and brings it up to his lips and gives it a gentle kiss. The while way to the funeral home we both stay quiet, a comfortable silence. I look back in the rearview mirror out of instinct to be left with nothing but an empty car seat. We pull into the driveway of the funeral home and my parents are already there and I get out along with josh and they walk over to us insure on how to approach us, we've never lost a child before, they've never lost a child before. My mom walks to me and I feel like such a kid when your mother hugs you after a fight, you fall into a puddle of tears. That's how this went. She kisses the side of my head gently, "god needed another angle" she whispers I pull my head back. "But why her, she was so young" I whimper and she shakes her head "god does things that we may never understand, but they are normally for the better" she whispers and I nod still unsettled on why he took our baby girl. She wipes the tears from my face and my smeared makeup and kisses my forehead. They all walk in and I stand unable to walk in and josh walks back to me. "I just can't- this is the last time we will see her" I whisper. "We'll do it together" he whispers a sob threatening to escape him. He opens his hand for me and and I interlock my hand in his. We walk in and I see her little casket, beautifully decorated with flowers, she looks peaceful, like she did when she was asleep, like she could just wake up and stretch her arms up to me like she always did when she woke up. As I get closer and closer my legs get weaker and weaker, I put more weight on josh, as we approach her and I see her fully I bend down planting a small kiss on her cold cheeks that where once warm. "I love you so so much baby" I whisper, I then stand up and sit in the nearest chair letting my head fall to my knees. I stay like this until I can control the tears, not completely but as much as I can. The door opens and Elizabeth, Liam, Woody, and Francis walk in. I smile half heartily, "hey sweetheart, how are you holding up" Woody asks me I pathetically puff out air as he hugs me. "I take that as not good" he says I nod. After that the rest was a blur of people, a blur of hugs. All I really wanted was to be alone with Chloe and josh, one last time before we have to say goodbye. At 6:30 the calling hours are over and finally everyone leave and it's just our family, josh me and Chloe. "She's dancing up there wondering why we're all crying" josh whispers pulling me in to his side I mold into him and bury my face in his shirt. Sometime that night we leave, I know it was dark when we did. I feel almost numb, I can't cry anymore, I just miss my daughter. Cancer had to rip her away from us. We pull up to the gate and josh presses in the number and the open and we pull the rest of the way in. He helps me out of the car and he kisses the side of my head. "It's so different" I mumble "I know" he whispers silently to me. We get into the house and I kick my heels off and turn around for him to unzip my dress, he kisses the bare skin that is being revealed to him. I sigh and push my body back into his, I feel a puff of warm air blow across my neck, it sends cool chills all down my body. "Josh not tonight" i whisper, even though I want to so bad I can't. We can't. Not tonight. "I know" he whispers. "Can we go to bed, we've got a stressful day ahead of us" I say he complies. I give him a smile but it's weak. We climb the stairs and i turn to check on chloe but I pull myself back to the path to our bedroom. Josh strips down to where he is comfortable and slides into bed with me, "i love you" he whispers gently pressing his lips to mine "I love you too" I whisper back and I close my eyes and try to drift into a peaceful sleep only to be awaken with dreams of Chloe, that make me want all of this to just be a nightmare. I get up trying not to wake josh, I grab Josh's shirt from the floor and button a few buttons then walk silently to Chloe's room. I walk in flipping on her favorite little lamp and sit cross legged on her bed. I pick up her second favorite stuffed animal, we left the other with her, and I bring it to my nose and close my eyes feeling warm tears slide down my cheeks. I remember all third nights when she didn't feel well after her treatments she would patter in here her arms full with this bear and a stuffed bunny. "God Chloe I miss you" I whisper into the air. I feel the bed dip beside me, and I open my eyes. And josh sits there his eyes glassy. "She's really gone" I whimper feeling helpless, I single tear slides down Josh's cheeks. "I knew this is where you would be" he whispers I nod laying the stuffed bear back on her pillow, I lean over laying my head on his shoulder. "It's not going to get easier is it?" I ask him "I don't think so. We'll just adjust" he whispers wiping his eyes. We sit here looking around at all the drawing she made of our family of just her room. Sometime that night my eyes begin to droop and josh scoops me up carrying me back to our room and we both fall asleep. Not a restful sleep just sleep out of exhaustion.