What are we?

Part 1

At the psychologist.

"Zoya have you ever felt betrayed by any of your very close friends"
"No, since I never kept any emotional connection with my classmates much. Even if they leave me also I won't be affected much. But yeah, there was a very close friend of mine, Nithi. When we were in the 8th grade, we were good friends and neighbors for 2 years, but she shifted to another place and slowly lost contact with her."

"So, what did you feel when you realizes you had lost contact with her?"

"I cried the day when she said that she was about to move. I was sad of course, but losing contact with her was a very slow process, so it didn't affect me at all."

"Okay Zoya, apart from her, is there any other good friend or friend for you?"
"I do. Aanya, we have been friends since 3rd grade. Not best friends just friends. It was after reaching high school that we became best friends. Then I have my boyfriend Ethen."

"What kind of a relationship do you have with your boyfriend?"
"Um..." Zoya hesitated, "I lack intimacy. Sometimes I feel that I don't have any emotional connection with him."

The psychologist asked, "Have you discussed this with your partner?"
"Yes, I have."
"So what would his reply be?"
"He would say that it is because we have just started being lovers and he is the first boy with whom I am being this close."

"Yes, that can also be true. But what kind of a lover is he? Are you satisfied with him, his efforts?"

"He is putting in effort, but I can't call him an ideal boyfriend, he lacks maturity, and at times acts stupid."
"Have you said this to him?"
"Yes, I think I need to give him more time."
"What about his love, understanding?"
"He loves and understands a lot. Caring also. But he doesn't know things much. You need to tell him to do this, be like this etc..." Zoya adjusted herself, "See, there is a great difference between doing things without being said and after being said. I expect him to be a gentleman kind of a person."
"Okay, I understand that. And are you both romantic?"
"No, I can't. I am not able to. I don't feel like being romantic. Just these hugs and kisses on the cheeks. Nothing more."

"Do you prefer to be like this or is it that you are trying but not able to?"
"I want to change. I understood that Ethen doesn't appreciate this personality of mine. Like, why can't I be romantic?"

The psychologist smiled and crossed her fingers on the table, "Zoya, it can be because one, he is not of your expectations. And second, since your childhood, you have never received love through physical touch. So it is practical that you may not like the fact that someone is touching you. But It can also change over time. We humans tend to change. This version of Zoya won't be 10 years after. So we can say that your age also plays a role. And the next thing is, to create intimacy, I want you to communicate. That is the one and the best way to understand each other. You have to communicate with people whom you love. You said you also have a best friend." Zoya nodded, "You can spend about 30 minutes each day talking to her, then your sister also. Slowly this will be turned into a habit and you will also start having intimacy towards them, and automatically you will be emotionally connected." The psychologist paused, "Do you journal?"
Zoya nodded, "Yes."
"Great. What do you write in it?"
"What all happened in a day, things that hurt, precious moments."
"Okay, along with it, also describe your emotions, what you felt, why you felt, try questioning yourself. Give more importance to your emotions."

Zoya nodded.

"And you said that you love the horror and thriller genre. Instead of reading and watching those genres you can also add positive things to it. Like a movie with a positive and happy ending, a good ending book."

Zoya smiled.

"I am not asking you to avoid them. Along with them you also watch positive movies. I am saying so because, you are accustomed to violence and killing, which will stimulate negative thoughts in you. Are you following me, dear?"

Zoya replied smiling, "I am."

"And talking about the daydreaming, try to replace some other activity in the place of music. Since you said music triggers you to daydream and you may even dream for hours, we can reduce the hours of music and try engaging yourself with something else. It may take some time to adjust to it, but we can still do it."
Zoya nodded.

"So, I think this would be enough for today. First thing communicate with your boyfriend, sister and best friend, second positive movies and books and music time reduction."
Zoya got up from the chair, scratching it on the floor, "I will try them and will let you know about it the next time."
"Sure."

Zoya unlocked the door, "When should I come next?"
"Try coming on Wednesday."

"Okay. Thank you."
"You welcome dear. Smile."
Zoya smiled and left the room.

The English department block.

"Why are you so pale? Still angry with me?" Ethen asked putting hands around her shoulders.

Zoya looked at him, "Can we go somewhere else?"
"Sure. But it is too sunny outside." Ethen looked around. "What about 2nd floor?"
Zoya nodded. Zoya climbed the stairs, Ethen followed her. Then they sat on the stairs leading to the terrace.

"Tell me," Ethen said sitting beside her wiping his sweaty neck.

"I went to the psychologist."
"And."
"And she gave me some remedies."

Ethen was silent, "Okay. So what next."
Zoya looked at him, "What do you mean by what next?"
"What did she say? Was it helpful?"
"I don't know." Zoya signed, "She asked me to cut my music time, then to watch positive movies, talk with people and more."
"Do you think that will help?"

Zoya looked at him, "It should help. I can't afford a paid counsellor or something."
"That's true."

"I told her."

"What?."

"She had asked me about our relationship, asked me how you are to me and everything."

"So what did you say?"
"The truth, that you are trying but need more time and that you are not to my expectations."
Ethen nodded looking at the floor.

"You have nothing to say Ethe?"
"What should I say? I am being like this because I just want you to be close to me, but you are not. If you want me to understand you then you should be open with me, you should say everything happening in your life. You are too silent. Never speak anything, always keeping a distance from me."
Ethen looked at Zoya whose head was resting on the wall. He then noticed a tear that fell on her cheeks, running fast to the chin then dropped on her cotton cloth.

"Hey." He said and came close to her, arms wrapped around her shoulders. "I didn't mean to hurt you." She didn't reply, "Are you listening to me?" Ethen pulled her towards him, Zoya sat straight, "See I just expect you to feel comfortable with me that's it, Zoya. I didn't intend to hurt you."

"See Ethe" More tears fell from her eyes, "If you had gone through everything I have been through, then I don't think you would have been the same person you are now." She wiped her tears but her tears didn't stop, her voice changed, "Despite all the restrictions I have had from home, can't you see the efforts that I am putting in for you? You have no idea how insecure I feel each day due to this personality. It's not that I was born this way, I was made into this."

Ethen spoke softly, "Zoya, stop crying." He wiped her tears, "Okay I am sorry. I understand. Just be open like this. This is all I want."

Zoya wiped her tears and controlled herself. Her reddish nose and wet eyelashes made her look sick.

He made her head rest on his shoulder and slowly patted her right hand. They sat like this for a few minutes, in silence. The only sound was the footsteps of students walking on the 1st-floor corridor.

After some time, Ethen softly spoke, "You okay?Come on, let's get your favourite drink. Lime soda. It will l, uplift yourmood."
He patted her back and slowly pulled her hand. Both of of them got up and left for the bakery.
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