Better Off Alone (BOOK 1)(Wattys 2016)

I Won't Settle

Nothing really matters to me once I've lost him. I pretend I'm not affected so that it's not blown into a huge ordeal at home. My parents still realize something is wrong, but they remain silent on the questions.

I didn't think it would be a huge piece of gossip at school, but looking around here on the first day after winter break and I know otherwise. I hear my name strung together with Larkin's everywhere. Eyes follow me wherever I go and I can't help but feel even more rotten and lost at the sound of the comments coming from everyone.

Clive, my beautiful, wonderful brother, is a saint during this moment of realization. He stands at my side, distracting me with random news and gossips of the celebrities we like. But even that can't drown out the constant chatter of my shame.

Olive and Macey appear, looking rather grim. I smile weakly at them. "Give me something to take my mind away. Macey, tell me why you went to New York. Or, tell me what happened."

Macey's eyes widen. "Why what did you hear? Did my mom tell you?"

I exchange a glance with Olive and Clive. "Tell us what?"

Macey sighs. "About my... uh, application."

"Mace, I'm dying here. I need some good news." I need her to give me something good, something to take my mind away from this constant hell it's currently in.

"I applied to intern for Creal Publishing in New York. It would be this summer and I would be in the city, having an up close look at the publishing business. If they're pleased with me they said they might hire me as a part time student worker."

"Does this mean... you've decided to go to school in the City?" Olive asks.

Macey shrugs. "Even if I don't get this apprenticeship, I think I need to keep in the City so that I can put my name out there, you know? And my aunt lives near there so I'd be close to family."

"But you'll be so far away from us..." Olive looks down at her feet. I know what she's thinking. She's realizing that we're seniors and this is it: we're going our own ways. She knows that I want to travel and pursue art and here's Macey, pursuing New York City on the opposite side of the country. What's Olive doing? As of now she wants to stay here, in West Brook... So I definitely see why this news from Macey makes her glum.

"Olive," Macey says, realizing the same thing I just did, "I'll visit every break, you know that."

The bell for morning assembly rings and I move with my friends to listen to Principle Ohrn's boring welcome back speech. As we enter in I make the mistake of looking to my right, down the row we're sitting in.

There's Larkin.

This time, though, he doesn't look my way. I'm shocked I even lost track of him for those short moments where thoughts of Macey in New York and her aunt distracted me. I watch him, trying to see if he's the same or if he's as broken as I am.

He looks empty, like how I feel. He looks broken. I broke him and I made him empty.

I ruined this for both of us. Which means I have to fix it for both of us.

***

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into an entire month where I am alone and without Larkin.

I take the SATs, I fill out college applications, but all I think about are two things: Larkin and the Crary Art Show. It's a constant cycle where I think about either of them or both of them.

I've tried talking to Larkin, but every time I start he stops it, his eyes telling me it's pointless to even attempt. I try having Macey and Olive and Clive and even Dean (which probably wasn't the best, but he offered to do it) talk to him, but to no avail.

That's how I come to find myself, in the middle of February, going to great lengths to prove to Larkin I'm terribly sorry for being so stupid and for messing up.

I've come to Eddie.

I drag him into a broom closet at the end of one day and ask right away, "Is Larkin alright?"

Eddie wrinkles his nose. "A broom closet? The hallway wouldn't have sufficed?"

I roll my eyes. "Eddie, I'm serious. Is. Larkin. All. Right?"

Eddie shrugs and his voice is sarcastic and slightly edgy. "Gee, Gemma, let's see. He sits at home constantly writing and playing sad jazz music, what do you think? I haven't seen him stop writing for weeks. Even when he eats he's got a pencil in hand, jotting down words and scribbles in his notebooks."

"I don't know what to do, Eddie. I need your help. How can I convince him I'm sorry? That it was a misunderstanding and I was confused?"

"Gemma, don't you realize. He knows you're sorry, but he can't forgive himself or you. He's afraid that if he loves you fully, he'll turn into his dad one day. It's always been about that. When he came back from Florida he already had it in his mind he was going to end things with you. He said so himself. I'm the one that told him you would probably be at the party and he asked to come along. Being in Florida reminded him of everything and... he doesn't want to put you through what his mom's been through. What she's going through."

I shake my head. "That... Is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Is that why he never called me in Florida? He was already planning on breaking things off?! He just used my mistake as a cover?!"

Eddie shrugs. "All I know is that he's not going to cave and come back. He's determined to give you a happy ending and he doesn't think that happy ending can ever be with him. Seeing you at the party didn't help his opinion on the matter."

I huff, angry and satisfied at knowing everything now. "Well, we'll just have to convince him that my happy ending is him, won't we?"

"Uh, we? No, no, no. There's no we, Gemma."

I laugh. "Oh, yes, there is. Remember what you did to me, Eddie darling? You owe me and this is what you're going to do..."

Sure, my plan would take an entire month to complete, but in the end I would be with the person I love.

And let me be blunt, I won't settle until I've gotten my happy ending.