Better Off Alone (BOOK 1)(Wattys 2016)

I Think I'm More Worried About Him

I move to the back of the crowd, smiling as everyone cheers for Clive. I figure I'll find myself alone as I move to the jeep, but I don't.

I find Larkin leaning against the hood of the jeep, watching the excitement on the beach. He smiles at me and something in me almost compels me to move forward and hug him, kiss him, for finally smiling at me after ignoring me for weeks.

But I don't because I also want to hate him for ignoring me.

"You know, you could have come closer to see him surf." I say, smiling back because I really can't resist. I'm far too happy to keep myself from smiling.

"I know..." His eyes are still empty and I wonder if he actually meant to find me or if he was going to leave before I could find him.

"What are you doing here, Lark? Please tell me you're here for me and not Clive's surfing. Because I am sorry. You know that."

It's as if a switch is turned in Larkin and he shuts down before me. Everything in him loses the light and he looks so empty I fear he's gone forever, never to return. "No, Gem, I didn't come for you. I didn't come for anything... and if I did it was stupid."

I feel anger simmer in me. "It's not stupid that you love me, Larkin. It's what I want and it's what you truly want. I know why you're not coming around. You think that you'll break me that you're not my happy ending, but you are my happy ending. And as long as you're gone... I won't have it. So please, come back to me."

Larkin shakes his head. "I... I just can't, Gem. I love you, but I just...can't."

"Then you don't love me, Larkin Knight. You're selfishly holding all your love within you and not even allowing yourself to feel it anymore."

He shakes his head. "What I'm doing is not selfish," he motions between us, "you think I don't want you, Gemma? That's all I want in this life, but love is too fragile, Gem. And I don't want to break you with it if ours falls apart."

I can't say anything because I don't know how to convince him with words. He's the one who can use words in ways no one else can and me? I use paints when words don't suffice.

***

My mother smiles at my reflection in the mirror. "You look lovely, sweetie."

I smile back, smoothing my simple black dress that is modest, yet stylish - just perfect for the Crary competition results. Macey and Olive are also in my room and it seems a bit crowded, but I like it that way at this moment. They help settle my nerves and Lord knows I have plenty of those.

"Are you sure you don't want me to curl your hair?" Macey asks, pursing her lips and tilting her head to take my appearance in.

I shake my head. "No, I like it straightened. I don't need to impress everyone tonight. Only one person."

"And that person, is not a judge, I take it?" My mother asks, giving me a warm smile that only she could ever hold.

I smile back, unabashedly admitting she's right. "No, they aren't a judge. What's done is done, concerning my art. Now all I need is the man I love to actually let us be together. Wow, that adds a little pressure doesn't it?"

"Don't worry, sis. You look beautiful." Clive comes in and gives me a hug. He looks around at everyone else, "Mind if I have a moment with the woman of the hour? She could use a little encouragement."

I smile as everyone vacates the room and I turn to face my brother. "What, oh wise one, are your words of wisdom?"

Clive laughs lightly, but I see a certain seriousness in his eyes that won't move away. "Gemmie, I want to tell you what you told me: You have nothing to be nervous about. The judges will see how truly gifted and talented you are when it comes to painting. Trust me, Gemmie. You're the best I've ever seen."

I'm not usually emotional, but I guess lately I have been; especially today with so much weighing down on me. My eyes become misty and I hug my brother, knowing I have no one who loves me more than him. Yes, Olive and Macey and my parents and even Eddie and Dean, they love me. And Larkin, he loves me too. But no one, not a soul could ever love me as Clive does. I guess no one can be loved by another person in the same way as someone else. Love is different in every single situation. It is unique, it is fragile, but it is strong and long lasting and never changing. Love can be fierce and it can be tamed, but no matter how you slice it, it's love.

"Clive, I'm not worried. Truly, I'm not. Yes, I want to win this and I want Larkin to come back to me, but I think I'm more worried about him than the contest."

Clive smiles and wipes away the tears gathering under my eyes. "Careful, Gemmie, don't wanna smug your makeup... Larkin loves you, Gemmie. And as long as he loves you I know he'll be there for you. He just has to realize that you aren't going anywhere."

"You think?"

He nods. "I do. I know I've never had a steady girlfriend, but there's someone... out there who will love me one day. And I hope that we love each other like you and Larkin. Even a fragment of the love you have would be more than I could dream of. Do you get what I'm saying? Or am I just rambling?"

I laugh. "I get it... We should go though, I wouldn't want to be late."