fading sanity

1. 'It's not real.. is it?'

I used to think that the phrase, "hell is a teenage girl", was an exaggeration of the teenage experience. I also used to be an idiot. Turns out the rumours are true, so true to the point that I don't even know who, or what I am anymore. I prefer to consider myself as a greater entity, like a wind spirit or something. Wind spirits don't have to worry about people around them slowly disappearing. Whether it be them deciding to turn away, or you deciding to be rid of them yourself. Nobody knows who I am anymore, not even my therapist. I hate him. He's so.. what's the word? Patronising. Thank God he's gone. However, I do have to give him some credit, he's the reason why nobody knows where I am. But before I elucidate everything, I'm Sarah Wilkins, the girl who, quote on quote: "lost her mind". I'm not sure what they're talking about, I'm just a teenage girl.. aren't I?

Thursday, September 12, 2015, 4:27pm
'So, Sarah, how have you been? I haven't seen you since I came back from Scotland.' My therapist, Dave, inquired. He had prescribed me anti-depressants a few months before, I forgot to take them a few times, I think he could tell. That was one of the things I hated about Dave. I hated that he cared. I know that it was his job, but to fair I didn't want to be there. I didn't need therapy then, and I sure as hell don't need it now. Anyway, back to the story.
'I've been fine, I guess.' I sighed.
'You don't seem so fine to me, champ.' Dave began, 'You forgot your anti-depressants again, didn't you?' I nodded slightly, feeling somewhat ashamed. He gave me 'The Look'. Another thing I hated. He always gave me that look that your mum gives you when she knows that you're lying to her face. It was so patronising, like I said previously.
'Well, it sucks that we're going backwards again,' he sighed as he clicked his pen, beginning to scribble on his clipboard, 'but not to worry! We can always go forwards again.' He beamed with that classic therapist enthusiasm. Again, irritating.
We continued to chat about my life, his Scotland trip, unimportant things. Once it my hour was finally up, I said a swift goodbye to Dave and bolted. So many things were pulsing through the nerves in my brain, I could feel every vibration coming out, spewing into an imaginary puddle of perception. Maybe the bleach was getting to my brain, I'm not sure. I waved goodbye to Doreen, the front desk attendant, and made my way home.

I had 'Don't Delete The Kisses' playing in my headphones, head empty, for once in my life. As I walked down the suburban footpath, I made out a man in my peripheral vision, seemingly following me? This was strange, I had always gone this way back  from my therapist, so why is this time suddenly different? The perception puddle was beginning to evaporate back into my brain, so I swiftly shuffled to the other side of the street, putting my pre-planned route back on track. He also moved in the exact manner as I did. The quick breathing began, not again. I had to calm down.  I couldn't let this man see me scared, it wasn't going to be that easy for him. I decided to start speed walking, to get away. Surprise, surprise, he speeds up. Thats it, the headphones were coming out. As I retell this previous version of myself, I feel as if I'm watching a VHS tape of someone I've never seen before, like I never knew her, like I never was her. It's all replaying like a distant memory that feels like a fever dream, or a movie I've seen before. But no, this was all me, not even that long ago.