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Chapter 10
#wrewp
I hate this feeling. I never like this feeling. Uhaw ako sa yakap ng mga magulang ko, uhaw sa mga salitang magpapanatag sa akin, lalo na sa mga sitwasyong lubos ko 'yon na kinakailangan. Habang lumalaki ako't nagkakaisip, natatanggap ko lang ang mga gano'ng bagay kapag ako ang nananalo, kapag pinapauwi ko ang mga kalaban ko nang luhaan. My competitors' tears were my parent's pleasure. And ironic, wasn't? That on my part, on my parent's pleasure, I found my comfort and validation.
All I wanted was to hear from them that they were still proud of me, despite losing, I still did my best, and that my efforts weren't in vain; that being in second place was also a beautiful place to be in and not something to be embarrassed about. I wanted comforting words from them that would plaster the wound of defeat.
Pero tang ina.
Sa halip, kay Grant ko pa nakuha. Sa tinuturing kong kakompetensya. Sa kaaway ko. Sa taong kinaiinisan ko nang sobra.
My tearful eyes remained on him. I looked at him in disbelief as rage slowly went up to my head. Gusto ko siyang murahin. Gusto ko siyang suntukin sa harap ng maraming tao dahil sa galit ko, pero hindi ko magawa. Nanginginig ang kamay ko nang tanggalin ko ang medalya sa leeg ko. Even though the crowd cheered for what he did, it didn't help the cut that was created. It made things worse. It made my feelings hurt more. Hindi no'n natapalan ang nararamdaman ko.
Ano na naman ba ang gusto niyang patunayan?
Nakakagago. Kinakaawaan niya ba ako dahil natalo ako? Na kahit lantarang nanonood ang magulang ko, pinili nilang hindi umakyat ng entablado? Ano? Iyon ba ang gusto niyang palabasin? That putting his medal, his sign of victory, on my chest would aid my crushed soul? If that was his reason, it didn't help me at all. O kahit ano pa mang rason niya, hindi iyon naging tama para sa akin. Instead, it made me feel trampled upon. Mas nadepina no'n ang pagiging talunan ko.
Hindi ko kailangan ng awa. Hindi ko iyon kailangan kahit kanino. Lalong lalo na sa kaniya. Sinong nagsabing kaawaan niya ako? Ano bang papel niya sa buhay ko para gawin iyon? Gusto niya bang palabasin sa harap ng mga tao na kahit siya ang nanalo, handa siyang ibigay sa akin ang medal niya? Bullshit. Sobrang bullshit.
When I completely took out the round metal on my neck, I shoved it on his chest. Unti-unting napanis ang ngiti niya nang mapagmasdan ang reaksyon ko.
"Y-You're unbelievable."
I left the stage without looking back. When my feet landed on the platform, I ran so fast. Kagat-kagat ko ang labi ko para pigilan ang mas pagtulo ng luha. Tang ina, talunan na nga, gano'n pa ang ginawa. Mas lalo akong nanlumo at nanliit sa sarili ko. Kailangan niya bang gawin iyon? Kailangan niya ba akong ipahiya? Sobrang bigat na ng nararamdaman ko, nakuha pang dagdagan. Grant was fucking unbelievable.
I would understand if he did that because he was angry about what I said last time. Pero kailangan ba ngayon niya mismo gawin? Kung babawi siya sa akin, kailangan ba ngayon mismo? Kung kailan durog na durog ako?
I continued running until there was no place to run anymore. I found myself behind the HUMSS building, panting for some air while trying to constrain my traitor tears.
Pagod na ako . . . sobra.
But being tired feels forbidden. It was something I wasn't allowed to voice out, to feel, even though I was completely worn out.
Masasabi ko ba iyon sa mga magulang ko? Na pagod na ako? Na kailangan ko ring magpahinga? Hindi. I had no courage to say that I was already tired. They sacrificed much more compared to what I was going through. Did they stop? Did they rest?
