Every time I look back, I can see his face and that innocent impression he made when I first saw him. He was so clueless when he butt in and made an annoying face, with his tone mocking me. He was rude but cute. But he did not last longer in my mind. In my busy schedule and with the company of my friends and manage not to insert him in my thoughts, well not long enough as I thought it could be. Maybe fate, but also maybe a fact that we are on the same school and I was already aware of his existence. Maybe he was always around but I am not aware so I did not mind. But now, interestingly he just pops out everywhere and now I see him. But I still don't care, his presense doesn't matter. Yet. And as we always bump to each other I now notices something, his eyes, when he smiles, it shrinks and his face when strucks by sun it blushes, but no. There is nothing too special that will pushes me to be a part of his and dwell on him. He's cute but out of my leugue, he's handsome but never will be mine. I dropped the thoughts of him and just continue to live the day as I sometimes bump into his way and make a chance to take a glimpse. But nothing special. No spark nor wondering of what ifs. As my college years went so fun and wild, I made a few play time of crushing several cute faces including his. But none of it was so serious at all because I am in a relationship. Long term, but things are getting rocky and uneasy. As my thought debate whether breaking up or staying, my attention unconsciously swifted to him. He manage to enter into my life without my invite. I made an impulsive move by responding instead of ignoring. That moment made a definite and a lifelong regrets to me up to this day. I broke up with my bf. I cried cause I loved him, but it was another story. So my thoughts of him just went deeper and so my feelings. I wonder how it happened but I never really wishes it to become real, not even once. When he started making conversations with me, a hope also started to grow. Somewhere at the back of my mind for the nth time in my life, I wished to be his. But every time I open my eyes a reality kicks in and there it goes it manage to wakes up and dive into the real world of no him and me. But it never hurted me, never did I felt so strange about not having him. I just feel fine and okay with it. There was this moments that I felt we have a connection and several moments of not wanting to be with him. It does not click, with me and him, so not compatible. He is way out of my leugue, as far as I know him. Months passes by, with my friends' teasing and cheering, that feelings, went wider and wider within me and a moment of truth came along. I confessed and risk the fact of not talking to him at all. End of story we parted ways, I was broken but I manage to get up and find someone else to rise again. And then I saw him. Everything was fine and then he appeared again in my life. He started talking to me again and the guy I was with became a stranger to me because of him. I saw that as a sign that maybe we were really meant to be or maybe my imagination just gone too far. If it wasn't for my clearance that I lost maybe we never talked. That morning that I was with him made me very happy that every time people mistakenly thought we are together, I giggle in my mind because maybe they thought we look good together or we make a good couple. As my thought fights with my hearts emotions, he manage again to re enter in my life but this time with my invite. It took us days but not consistent with time for maybe he was busy and I am not his priority but he's in, in my world and I don't want him to get out this time. There were times that I can't comprehend him neither his actions and I am damn confused about it. I am now well aware that this he was a big challenge in my personality. I knew that I will be heart broken multiple times if I permanently let him in. Still can't believe he was doing it, can't believe he was really courting me. Its a big question mark for someone like me who always got rejectios from her crush, but I am now a grown woman, way more mature and not naive to the certain circumstances like this. I felt so delighted when he finally reciprocated my feelings after he rejected me months ago. Things went so fast because maybe I allowed it too. I like him and he told me he like me so I said yes. No point of waiting too long because I am getting frustrated. Then my nightmare just began. Who knew I could have a boyfriend. A real one not online nor flings. I never doubted him and it never crosses my mind that he might do anything bad against me nor betray me. I saw some red flags right at the very beggining and my friends keep telling me about it but I chose to ignore all of it and just focused on him because he makes me happy although he was fond of denying me to everone. I must admit. That hurt real big but I ignored it. Once again I tried understanding maybe he has his reasons. Days went so fast and happy moments did not last long, I can count on my fingers the days I geniunely smiled but the ill feeling, stoney aching moments I had in not even a month of having a relationship with him, that I can't count. I knew at the back of my mind the very best thing to do to save myself but i still chose to give another shot and try. I'm a risk taker indeed gambling my feelings with uncertain things with him. And then it happened..I thought giving yourself will stop those moments of hurtings but it didn't. It made me more trapped and unrescued. I love him, madly inlove with him. I am definite and sure with him. I let everyone around me slowly drift away but I did not notice because I was too focused on him. My world was literally him. Can't forecast a good day without him, spending every moment with him became my habit and addiction. I become sad when he's not around, I overthinks when he's not around, I do a lot of sad thoughts especially when we fight. But I am too good and innocent, until. I finally saw his dark side. I started to back track everything, rewind what my friends was telling me and puzzle everything that I noticed. He was cheating. On my end it was really cheating but to his expplanation it was not. Foolish because I believed him Or at least I did not cause I am not stupid I am smart. So I forgave him and gaslighted myself that I was enough and he would never do that again. But I just made myself more pitiful, that incident caused my innocent mind to become paranoid. It stained my personality into something I know I am not.
My world started crashing, I cried multiple times and thinks that how could he possibly say he loves me while hurting me. But foolish I am, I begged. I was always the one who says sorry when clearly it is his doings that started everything.
I hated him but i hated myself more because i cant let go of him. I ruined myself. for the love that i cannot even have with him.
