Hospitals

Prologue

I am not going to die.

Well, at least not today. That's what I've heard for the past 378 days I've been in this goddamn hospital. I've been in a lot of hospitals since I got diagnosed with heart cancer. Fucking heart cancer. I mean, how many people in the world have heart cancer, that is actually dangerous? Well, not a lot. And I'm so lucky to have the dangerous type, too.

Right now I have chemo. Now you probably think, because I'm in chemotherapy, that I am bald. Well, god blessed me with one think apparently, that I in fact did not start to loose my hair yet. The doctors said that my hair may get thinner, but I'm probably not going to loose it. At least I got lucky with one thing.

I was sitting in a chair, listening to music. Jungkook's Still with you was playing. Even though it was not really my favourite song from him, I really enjoyed it every time I was listening to it. Right when the song ended, my nurse, Hee-jin, came into the room. Behind her was a boy, maybe 20 years old? He was tall, had black hair and duck-like lips. His eyes were so dark. Thats what I noticed first about him.

"Na-bi! How are you today? Have you already eaten something?"

"Hey Hee-jin, I'm good and yeah, I already ate today", I said to her. I could feel that the boy was staring at me. I tried to ignore him.

"So Na-bi, as you know, I'm moving to Seoul. That means that I also start to work at another hospital. We've found another nurse for you, though. His name is Ni-ki, he just started to work here, so be patient with him", she laughed.

Hee-jin turned to Ni-ki and introduced me to him. He greeted me with a quick 'hello' and stared nervously at me.
I turned away and put on my airpods again. I weren't really interested to talk to him and he didn't seem that he wanted to talk to me, too. He just stared. Like if he saw a ghost. I mean, I couldn't blame him. Since I started my chemotherapy, I lost a lot of weight. My skin got even paler than it was before and dark circles started to form under my almond-formed eyes.

Hee-jin cleared her throat, turned to me and smiled. "I'll let you two alone, if that's not a big problem. I still have some work to do"
I just nodded and turned the music louder. She patted Ni-kis shoulder and whispered something to him before she left the room.

Ni-ki stood akwardly at the door for a couple seconds more, then he walked to the chair in front of me and sat down.

"Uhm, I don't want to interrupt you, but Hee-jin said I have to ask you some questions", Ni-ki whispered.

"Don't you already have a list with my information?", is what I aksed.

"Well, no? Hee-jin said I have to ask them myself. I don't know why."

"Just go ahead and ask the questions."

"Uhm yes, sorry. So, what's your full name, age, height and weight?"

"Do Na-bi. 17 years old. Height is 157,5cm and I weigh 42kg"

He looked at me through his glasses he just put on. Straight into my eyes. His eyes were so dark, almost black. I don't know what it was with his presence, but something inside me woke up. Like the first flower in spring after long months of snow.
He licked his lips and looked again at his papers, wrote something down.

"Thank you. I just have some more questions. When were you diagnosed and how long have you been in chemo and radiationtherapy?"

"I got diagnosed at 15, been in chemo half a year later and in radiation since last year."

"Did your cancer break out directly from your heart or did it start from another organ"

"Directly from the heart", I answered.

"I am sorry, Na-bi. You've already gone through a lot. And your still so young."

I raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry Ni-ki, but can I aks how old you are?"

He looked confused, but still raised two fingers. That means he was 19. Only two years older. He was my age and wanted to tell me about being young?

"Uhm yeah, do you have any more questions?", I asked with an annoyed undertone.

He shook his head and again, he looked me directly in the eyes. And I felt it again. And again, I tried to ignore that tingling sensation in my stomach.

For my liking, he looked me a little too long in my eyes.

"Can you stop staring? It's making me nervous", I said while looking at my hands.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to", he replied. I could feel him staring again.

"Can you go now, please?", I asked him.

He looked shocked about what I just said. I looked at his face while he silently stood up from that chair. He was red like a fucking tomato. I kind of felt bad for him.

While he walked to the door I tried to analyze his movements. His whole body was tense. His jaw was clenched, eyes fixated on the door. He closed his left hand around the pencil he just wrote with, his right hand was tightly closed around the board with the papers he wrote on. I could see his fingertips turn white because he held it so tightly. He walked like a robot, so stiff. Was I too harsh to him?

Just before he closed the door to my room, he turned around, smiled a little and went out after that.

I just now realized that I held my breath the entire time he needed to walk out of the room. I breathed again.

What was that smile for?