A Fleeting Thought

Pursuit of Happiness

I woke up angry this morning. I woke up forcefully, so much though that I nearly flung out of bed, throwing the cat across the room on accident. I stormed out into the living room, the cat racing me there and yes quite literally beating me to the punch.
The place was a mess, suddenly. I did not watch it become a mess, it just simply appeared to me that way. As if I'd been asleep for weeks.

Really, I had been asleep for weeks. Its called depression. About a week ago my neighbor who I thought was a good friend of mine, made moves on my boyfriend. Now it's as if he's a spoiled egg to me. Another assumed friend of mine couldn't keep his mouth shut, and told me my struggles aren't near his. I let it get under my skin for a moment, I have him a fist full of bitching, the reason being; my landlord had come over to serve me an eviction notice I don't even deserve. She said I never paid rent for May, but I most certainly did. She told me even if I did pay the grass got too high and she's going to evict us anyway. Without reason she told me that she didn't care where we went to go live, weather it was my truck or the salvation army. Along with some other very unnesesary hurtful things.
On top of it, through all of this, disaster for disaster, pound for pound, I was out of weed.
I don't know if any of you know, but weed is an incredible medication. I suffer from crippling anxiety, the kind of anxiety that makes it hard even to eat days after a catastrophe. Without weed, I'm incredibly hard to be around, I'm a good combination of bi-polar, obsessive compulsive, and ADD, with a good hint of ausbergers in there. So needless to say, I'm pretty angry, all of the time. Just because everything is uncomfortable to me.
Well for this two week period I was constantly like this, I couldn't calm down, if I wasn't angry I was incredibly restless. My hands and feet dropped with sweat, I was exhausted all the time. There was no difference between waking and sleep. Just to get some flowers I had to go to the very same neighbor who made moves on my boyfriend. She was the only one to come through. Hey, at least I had it.

A day or so goes by, I'm still in a fog but all in all, I didn't feel all that bad anymore. Harper and I found a place closer to his work. It's more expensive than this place, but it's a real two story house. Its not like we were having money issues anymore, I'm pretty sure the land lady was just tired of us. She's an old Baptist lady, she thinks she's better than everyone. Especially a twenty one year old Californian girl who doesn't believe anyone's going to forgive my sin's but myself. Hell as far as I know I don't have any, I haven't hurt anyone. And if moving to Texas to explore cultural differences hurts people then so help me god, those are the happiest people to be sinned upon in this world.
Honestly though I'm not Christian anymore. I was raised Catholic, and while Catholicism is all wavy gravy, it was too up tight for me. People say one thing, and then do the other, with no recollection that they were wrong. Besides, I'm too free for that to be my life. I practice a vague paganism. I worship natural wonders, like the sun, the moon, the plants, the ocean. While it seems conveinient that there's someone out there to right my wrongs for me, I know it's not that easy. If I make a wrong, let me apologise for it. If I don't know I'm wrong, I'll figure it out. They will too.

How obscure my life must be to some people. And that's okay.

I woke up angry this morning. Coffee cups, plates, shreded pieces of paper, empty cigarette packs, all over my living room. The kitchen was full of roaches, dirty dishes that Harper said he washed. I was angry about this. Which really wasn't a bad sign, it was good, because that meant I was alive again, I could see the shit that's piled up. I started to take all the dishes to the kitchen, swearing like a sailor. Cursing Harper for his lack of effort while I'm gone.

I decided to sit down and smoke a cigarette. I flipped on some music, and what came on was Kid Cudi's song, pursuit of happiness. For the first time in a while, I felt okay.