Always, J.

355 days later.

    The National Cemetery is where I come every Sunday evening. It is a routine of mine before a new week. It is where you are. I've been told that you are "always in my heart." The people who have said that really mean, "you don't have to visit his grave site to talk to him." Well, this is a place where I can come be with you and not just talk to the sky.

    I listen to the birds as they fly around the open sky. The breeze is just right. The sky begins to turn into all my favorite colors as the sun sets. I've been picking yellow flowers the last few weeks. They remind me of the same color butterfly I see when I am lost in my thoughts, angry at the world or when I am with your family.

    It is peaceful here. You are here. Bolt, my sweet puppy is here. The two loves of my life are six feet below where I sit every Sunday evening. I've heard from a few people that I don't need to come here to talk to you. You live in my heart wherever I go. I like having a place to come and get away from the home you no longer live in. I like the routine. I need this routine. Every Sunday before sunset, I am here with new flowers for the week and a new journal entry.

It hasn't been easy. Living in a world without your soulmate is my worst nightmare. I can't wake up from this dream so I struggle to get sleep. I always care about what other people think of me. I mask how I really feel pretty well these days. I started a new job a few months after you... passed. Summer is two months away and there are still some co workers who have no idea I lost you.

This isn't how I pictured my life. You arranged for me to be taken care of for the rest of my life. You said in fifty years, I would be able to be with you again up in the clouds. You would have plenty of time to get heaven ready for me. I don't want to wait fifty years to see you again. I didn't want this to happen to you. I didn't want you to be in so much pain, so sick. You had everything going for you. I wish I was the one that left the planet if given the choice. Every time I wish it had been me, I picture you here, in so much pain the way I am in the life without you and I couldn't put you through this either.

Trying to make sense of why the world is cruel will never find an end. I have discovered how awkward people begin to act around you after you've lost someone. They either say the wrong thing or they say nothing at all. Instead, they stare at you with pity in their eyes which only makes me want to disappear into the darkness that has already taken its hold on me.

I don't know if the cold, dark, empty shell of a person I've become is permanent. I wonder if I became this way to protect what is left of my broken heart. I do know; that my faith is lost. If God came to be with an explanation as to why Jay's life was cut short, I wouldn't accept it. There is no reason he had to go through so much pain in the short life he had. If you asked Jay, he would say he lived a big life. He explored the world and did so many things men his age were less fortunate to experience just yet.

Yet... That is the key word. The men his age still have time. Their time on earth isn't finished... yet. Jay accepted his fate. He remained strong for all of us. He stayed strong for me.

355 days. How the hell am I supposed to get through forty nine more years on the planet without you Jay?