the way i loved you

was it over then? and is it over now?

a/n: almost all chapters are yoko centric and is in yoko's point of view.

°°°

"you've dreamed of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor. you search in every model's bed for something greater."

I've been okay. Dealing with break-up, especially with your first ever love, was hard as hell. But I'm doing better than I ever was. I feel lighter, like a feather. The feeling of suffocation is becoming unfamiliar now little by little.

Within that five long months, I spent my entire school-free, faye-free life getting ready for college, getting a part time job, and having some alone time with myself. I tried working on a convenient store, 2 months post-break up. Then I started looking for a good, affordable university where I can enroll. Then, I went to my cousin's province for a one month stay-cation.

Within that five long months, I still think of her. I cried a lot, the thought of was I that easy to let go? and did she every really loved me? are always crossing my damn mind. I still cry, but it became rare now that it's been five months.

Am I sad? Of course.

Does it still hurt? So fucking much.

But I think it was my pride that's preventing me from being such a weakling again. I still cry, but I won't beg for her to come back. It hurts because I love her. I loved her.

It's been five months when I heard the big news. She's dating a new gal. Fantastic.

"At least she's more closer to your age," I smirked to myself while browsing through Faye's Instagram feed. Why didn't I blocked her? I don't know.

A fucking doctor.

Really?

But she's pretty. And she's rich.

"Damn you, Malisorn," I cursed under my breath. "You're really good at making me feel insecure."

I laid there, putting my phone down. I closed my eyes for a while. I am not trying to prevent my tears from falling, I am not crying over that doctor.

It's only been five months and she already found a new one? Did she knew that girl even before? Did Faye two-timed me with that girl? God, we just broke up!

"Lying traitor." I said.

ring... ring...

"What-" I answered the call without looking who was it.

"Did you see -" It's Folk, my friend. Gay friend.

"Yeah yeah, don't say it. I don't wanna hear it." I said lazily.

"You okay?"

"Maybe," Am I?

"You'll get over her, just give it time, Yo."

I hope so, too.

°°°°

10 months after break-up, I passed my college entrance exam. College is approaching faster, it will be just 2 months before the start of the semester. It will be good for me to be in a new environment, maybe if the semester starts, I will completely get over Faye. I can't wait to get very busy, so that I rarely have time to think of her stupid, pretty face.

It's been 10 months, and Faye's dated 4 different girls after me. I badly wanna text her and say, "Couldn't find anyone who's better than me?"

She even dated a girl who kinda looked like me. Chubby cheeks with cute eyes, I know that girl has some similarities with my features and that made me wanna punch Faye Malisorn in the face so bad. Was she trying to mock my feelings or was she just couldn't get over me that she even dated a girl who look just like me?

She won't find anyone like me. But I know she can find someone who's better than me.

I still suffer from self-sabotage. It has become my defense mechanism whenever I see Faye with her girls.

I don't cry over Faye anymore. But it still hurts. It's a fucking progress.

I tried a dating app once or twice, but it just wasn't my thing. Everyone that I came across those apps was nothing like Faye. They're sweet, they're caring, they ask me how's my day, they wanted to know me more. It was nothing like Faye who seemed nonchalant and was always moody.

They're easy to get along with. Faye's not like that. I think, I'm not yet ready to get into that shit again. I don't want anyone else to know me like Faye do.

I'm stuck in here... for a while... I am not ready to come out yet.

I stopped trying those dating apps because everyone I met there, I search Faye in them. And it's not fair. It will be unfair if I couldn't give my whole heart to a person because half of it is still in Faye's grasp.

It still hurt, being away with Faye and knowing she's being intimate with different people in God knows where. But I learned how to be okay and deal with it.

I'll cling onto the remaining memories of Faye in me, and maybe one day, I won't think of her anymore. One day, I will completely accept the fact that we're over.

Maybe it was over for her when she laid on a couch with someone else. But it's not over for me. Not yet.