Diary of a neurdivergent kid

2nd June - 9th June

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❗ = Trigger warning

❗ self harm ❗

02/06/24 -10:43 pm

I decided for my restart at school to write a diary. Why? Because I gotta update my friends, and I keep forgetting, for me, when I experience something, it feels as if my friends are behind my back with me, as if they were watching me and already knowing what's up. That of course isn't true, but that's what my brain decided to think about why I always forget updating them about my life situation.

Tomorrow at the third I restart as said school, I am not sure what to feel, nervousness, excitement, anxiety, I feel half neutral half pessimistic about that whole situation.

Since I've been a little toddler I didn't get along that well with people my age. They always thought I was weird and I was constantly asking myself what the hell these kids were doing, I didn't understand how they played or what they talked about. Trends, famous singers, we never had the same interests.

With time I kind of felt as if I matured mentally too fast, because I was observing everyone around me and oftentimes found the kids my age being way more childish than me.

Now, it's even worse.

Because of my life situation I did not only need to repeat one class, but two (I had one year advantage) putting me in a class with kids who are 1-2 years younger than me.

I am so sure, that they will probably not like me. I am either getting ignored or bullied and I am 85% sure about that.

I had always been clinging as a child to older people. In kindergarten I stayed with the watchers because I was an outcast and other kids didn't want to play with me, in school I often tried to have a conversation with my teachers not because I wanted to impress them but because other kids simply had different interests and passions.

It's not like I never tried to listen and get to know their interests, oftentimes I sat along different friend groups, but they already all had their own insiders or secret languages and whatever, and I was basically just another person who was listening even though I shouldn't.

So, this is why I am not optimistic about the following day. If I find people who actually want to interact with me, then I will definitely try and not immediately act on impulse (make random noises as an example) because I don't wanna risk them being disturbed before getting to know my facade. If they get along with my facade, and if I think they're okay, I'll show them more. If not, then not.

Even if I end up having no friends, then it happens. I'll just befriend the teachers. Or go into some club and try to befriend my seniors. Maybe they'll like me and introduce me to their friends.

Something similar happened when I met one of my best friends. I'll call them Yazhu here.

In the school I used to know you had to collect special 'points' your first two years by doing extra lessons. Either music related stuff, science or sports. My mom decided on sports for me, but that was the time my body started growing and I had leg pain for about 1-2 years. In the middle of the first year I begged my mom to put me off there, she did, but I couldn't collect the points then.

In the third year, my teacher said that I had to recollect them or I won't be allowed to be in the 11th grade, which is basically in Germany the first year if you decide to finish that part of school to be able to visit university. You could technically leave after the tenth, but you couldn't go study in a university then, you immediately had to find yourself a job after.

Yeah, so basically, in order to collect those points I had to join a school club which is led by a teacher here. I had two requirements, one, I don't wanna have the feeling as if I am forced to do one more lesson, second, I wanted something that I would also be able to use outside of school, and if possible, but not must, which was led by a teacher who I know and like.
And, I actually found one.