Haunting Echoes of the Past

Through Gojo's eyes

Suguru and I spent 4 summers together. After graduating from high school, we decided to move in together. We were never close to our families; we were practically raising ourselves. I was the one who suggested it, and Suguru agreed immediately. The money was never a problem for me, I didn't have a family nor a home, but the elders of the clan made sure I was receiving something from them. Suguru wanted to work instead of using that dirty money, but I told him it would only complicate things, and we could be comfortable with that money, sooner or later I'd be useful for them, so this was their way of convincing me.

Our home days were wonderful. We'd kiss at every opportunity, as if in that moment we were the only ones left in the world. Suguru was everything for me. We never said the words "date" or "boyfriend", we didn't need them. I got used to his touch, to his lips, to his long black hair, to the curve of his eyes when he laughed, to his gently smile, his soft words, the way he called my name. Suguru changed his personality, and I changed mine, without noticing, we made each other better. He laughed and was nothing like the gloomy child he used to be back when I met him, I stopped wanting to hurt him, I would probably hurt myself instead.

I recognized the instinct that was part of myself could be hidden, lock in a cage where it would never go out again. I had angry issues that no one told me about when I was younger, Suguru was the first one that decided to help me with that, even when I hurt him when we met because of that. I was becoming a better person, because the one I cared about, my one and only, was there for me. Was living with me, was waking up with me in the same bed. And the first thing I'd see when I opened my eyes, was Suguru's sleeping face, with his beautiful hair falling down, part of it in his face. I developed the habit of tucking his hair behind his ears while grabbing one end with my fingers and then kissing it with my lips.

Suddenly, I was woken up of this dream. I was close to turning 20. Which meant things were going to change for me. The Gojo Clan had its own fucked up traditions, and my part was following their commands. The days of youth were over. Without Suguru noticing, I visited the clan in the old mansion full of luxuries and wasted money they had. I knew what was coming for me, for us. And I didn't want to face it. Didn't want to accept a reality in which Suguru and I couldn't be together. The truth is that I was a coward, and revealing myself against the Clan would be more dangerous than anything I could have imagined. To carry on the legacy of being someone with the Gojo surname would mean marrying a distant relative, having a progenitor, becoming an owner of one of the corrupt companies they run. To be unhappy at unimaginable levels, I would be someone I never aspired to be. But worse would be to put Suguru at risk. I knew better than anyone that the old men were crazy, playing with them would be worse than death.

Visiting the clan once a month was no longer enough. They wanted me to be under their roof every hour, sometimes without allowing me to return home. Suguru easily became suspicious, I convinced him for a while that it was a family matter that could not be resolved. I never told him the truth, that it was all about the engagement plans.

But I couldn't put it off any longer, every time I looked into his eyes, something inside me trembled with fear.

"Satoru, are you cheating on me?"

I paused for a moment, not knowing what to answer.

"Suguru, you don't have anything else to do, do you?" I laughed. But the atmosphere became uncomfortable, he did not laugh.

Our relationship was starting to change little by little, we were no longer on the same page as before. So many things were going through my mind, and I was hiding everything from Suguru.

Suguru didn't talk to me like he used to, he was distant. I felt like I was losing him more than ever. I told the clan to leave me alone, that I had my own home, and I was not going to serve them until the day I signed that document. I didn't care about meeting my relative, seeing the wedding clothes, the arrangements, nothing. I wanted nothing from them.