Stay Strong: The Diaries of a Cutter. (On Hold!)

Chapter 4: We're on a Slippery Slope.

Chapter 4: We’re on a Slippery Slope.

~Carter~

At breakfast few of us actually ate and the ones that did were sick immediately afterwards; Mayra has something called physiological anorexia which makes her purge after she eats anything. Hearing her being sick put Michelle, Brooklyn and Keely on edge since they’re suffering from eating disorders. Sophia tried eating but she’s still suffering from withdrawal but she’s alot better today. Melissa has been a bit moody this morning but she’s gone almost two days without pain killers; kudos to her though, it must be tough.

All of us were mentally and emotionally exhausted; my body ached so badly while I sat at the dinning room table. I made sure my arms were covered by my light jacket. Today was a less than nice day as it was raining and cold. Just looking out the glass pained door and seeing the heavy grey clouds hovering over us with a depressing mood bearing down on us made me feel irritable. I was exhausted mainly due to the fact that most of the night I was up listening to crying. I wanted to scream and shout but more than anything I wanted to cut. I had the biggest urge too, but then I remember that the sooner I begin to believe I’m okay, the sooner I can leave.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse Doctor Wallace waltzed into the kitchen in her usual attire; white Capri’s and a yellow with turquoise, brown and red beaded with that African style tank top. Following her was a tall but skinny boy who wore a grey tee shirt under a blue plaid jacket and light wash jeans. His shaggy blonde hair wasn’t styled nor was it neat and tidy like we saw it was last night. He had brilliant tropical shaded eyes under that blonde hair. But the nice coloured eyes were ringed with darkness from the lack of sleep he got.

But following them was a tall girl who wasn’t here before. She was tall and a healthy weight. Her medium length deep purple hair was wavy as it framed her pale face; she had freckles that brought out her blue eyes. She wore a knitted sweater that covered her hands; it was undone to reveal a black tee shirt. She wore jeans with red sneakers.

Doctor Wallace smiled at us; nothing seemed to kill her buzz did it? She was in the room with twelve mentally unstable teenagers and young adults and she was smiling like nothing was wrong. That’s not right.

“Ladies, this is Ben and Holly our two new patients.” She introduced us all. Then she explained that Holly was a patient that came in last minute but is in desperate need of this, she’s from New Jersey.

“Hi.” Holly said quietly. Ben nodded, sharing a small wave with us.

“Hello.” He greeted sullenly. Ben seemed to fit in a bit better but Holly. She was there with us during therapy and lunch. She seemed extremely shy as she sat off on her own in the corner. She just kept her nose towards the window.

Doctor Wallace allowed me to call home just to let them know how things are going. I had a mouthful ready for Zane but I figure I’m going to be nice; he’s my brother after all. I sat in the office all alone, finally some peace and quiet. I rejoiced in the silence as I sat in the office chair with my feet kicked up on the desk. The bland room was used for private meetings for one on one meet-ups. The phone rang a little bit as I contemplated what to say.

“Hello?” Zane greeted gruffly.

“Hey Zane.” I stated sullenly.

“Hi Carter, how’s everything?” He asked the usual questions, how are you, what are you doing, what’s it like there? I answered without complaining about his nosiness. I answered truthfully; I told him that it’s a lot harder to kick the habit than I originally thought. That’s the point where I was getting really emotional and I found it hard to maintain my composure.

“Why’d you send me here, compared to these other girls I’m considered an attention seeker.” I murmured as the tears began to swell from my eyes. I heard him sigh heavily as I sniffled.

“Carter, I sent you there because you need help. I care about you and your wellbeing.” He told me sullenly. I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to hear him say that I need help or that he cares about me. He couldn’t care less about me; he just doesn’t want to bury another sibling. I finished my conversation with him before hanging up.  

Throughout the day I’ve been stressing over my conversation with Zane. Maybe he’ll leave me in here forever. I bet he’ll do that. Mom and dad would do that; they’d probably leave me at the side of the road if they go the chance too. Anyways Holly started talking along with Ben; they’re both very nice. Doctor Wallace told me that I’m gonna need to share a room with Holly which is okay as long as she stays out of my stuff and doesn’t become bothersome. And if she even thinks about crying tonight I’m going to sleep in the hall. I already have to put up with everybody else crying at night when I’m trying to sleep.

I sat on my bed in my bedroom with a book; Of Mice & Men. My favourite. I love this book so much. Holly’s bed was across the room from mine, along the wall with the window. And just like every other day it was raining outside, such a gloomy day. I had tied my hair back into a pony tail and replaced my light jacket with a light sweater.

My attention was caught by Holly coming into the room with her duffle bag hanging off of her shoulder. Her gaze swiftly found mine before snapping towards the ground. My stomach knotted and dropped when I caught sight of something that’s making me itch with anxiety and worry. Holly’s sleeves were rolled up to reveal the pink and red scars on her arms. I felt like I was going to be sick as my head spun around the room. That was a trigger to me. I thoughtlessly scratched my arms, itching to release this horridness that was eating away at me.

Holly shot a glance over at me as I stared at her unknowingly. My breathing became quick and short. My hands began to shake. Shit.  

~Holly~

Great, Ocean View is the last place I wanted to be but my family sent me here to get help, yesterday was when I found out I was coming here so I didn’t have time to fight it. I just had to go and I did it without a fuss. I didn’t like it here but the patients are nice.

I kept sharing glances with Carter; she began twitching and fidgeting in her place. What’s wrong with her? I just came into the room to put my things away.

I folded my clothes and put them away in the dresser while Carter sat on the bed, biting her nails, scratching her arms and trying not to go mental. Finally she lunged off of the edge of the bed, heading towards the door.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” She said with a shaky voice that rattled my bones and knotted my stomach. I know that tone of voice, she’s slipping up. I know Carter’s a cutter; like me but no body knows why she does it. I looked her over once before sharing a nod. And just like that she was out of the room and headed towards the far end of the house. I didn’t question her or try to stop her. It felt wrong but it’s her life I can’t control her.