Hidden Feelings

Just Finding Out

Finding out that you like the same sex can kind of be a rollercoaster. Having someone come out to you that you barely know and then all of a sudden feeling pangs of jealousy when they talk about the person they are crushing on, is that unexpected drop. You never see it coming. Your in a panic going downhill and your heart is racing your so afraid and thrilled and maybe even confused. You don't know what to do because you just told them you weren't gay but you just wish they'd shut up about this person.

You kind of want to tell them your feelings but you keep them locked away. Then you think that person starts to realize your feelings, and they do! Its amazing and they're flirting with you and you feel so happy. They always make you smile and hey they're the same sex so just as easily invite them over. All of a sudden they get hurt and outed to a lot of people by the person they like. You stick by their side but in silence because they won't let you do much. You guys start to like each other more and flirting more. They're the first person who's the same sex you actually liked and wanted. You come out to them and its all rainbows and happiness.

Except for the fact that that person is your friends cousin, and your friend doesn't know your sexuality or they're cousins sexuality. So all you can do is have sleepovers and cuddle them at night when your friends asleep. Things might be good for awhile, but I guess they get tired of not being able to fully be with you, I guess any normal person would feel that way. They stop talking to you as much and you slowly drift with fights. You still strongly like them but they've lost complete interest in you. That's only how my sexuality started. It started pretty amazing and hurtful. Not even 2 years and it hurts so much and more things become clear.

She was so amazing thou. She loves watching reality TV shows and cuddling. She loved to try to get me to watch scary movies and told me I could cuddle her if I got scared. Things got more complicated thou. I miss her cuddles now, but that's just only the one sort of way I've liked a girl. Only one girl I've liked. There's only one other girl I've taken a liking to that I could be with, but so obviously not be with and I think it is much worse this time around than it was with the first girl.

Its worse being able to see her beautiful face everyday and at first thinking you'd never like her she's not your type, and so suddenly looking at her and thinking how perfect she is and how much closer you like her to be. Suddenly those subtle touches are everything and her talking to someone who likes her is hell. It could be worse but God I could make it so much better, but I'm a whimp and this is just a continous story of my pain and happiness and silliness over 2 girls and a guy and so many amazing friends.