the unseen reader: "a letter to no one" sequel

the unseen reader

It's remarkable how a single act from an individual could cause a wave of events to cascade, good or bad, and they may never know it. Her kindness has stopped the impending tragedy I nearly brought upon myself yet she'll never know unless I tell her—and I probably won't. One act. All it took was one act.

Stubborn to a fault, I still told the Lord to stop me if I shouldn't run away. Days later, He answered me in His perfect timing, speaking quietly to my heart through your deeds. And ironically, this is not the first time this has happened but each time has served as an unexpected lesson.

I remember earlier that day, that I wrote that there was nothing I had to stay here for. But I wrote down a few other things and each point you refuted, as if someone were speaking through you, as if someone saw the letter I wrote to no one. And I know it isn't coincidental because earlier that day, I dreamed of you and the exact thing you said so everything made sense when it unfolded. The Lord refuted me, he put me in a moment of ha!

But now I'm uncertain what to do with this revelation. I'm unsure how to go to God. I'm weak and tired. And I know feelings can be deceptive but I feel quite lonely. I'm also a little miserable if you ask me.

I thought of reaching out for prayer but there's something stopping me, and I'm uncertain who this thing is. But oh, do I need prayer from someone I can go to who I know will pray over me, and it'll shake the heavens. I'm not sure if this is a good thing to want as I don't often ask for help. Honestly, I'm terrified of relying too much on people. But I'm going to be honest in this moment because I cannot lie and hide from God or myself. It'll catch up to me one day, whether that be now or the future.

Anyway, I'm weighing my options all over again. Perhaps I do have some reason to stay and running away isn't the best decision. I didn't know this seemingly small but unexpected situation with this individual could shake my perspective, but I'm not certain about my choice to run from home anymore. As bad as things are, I should probably wait this out.

My only problem is I don't want to wait this out. I'm impatient, there's no point in lying to myself that I ain't. I want to get away from this house as fast as I can but the days seem to go slower and my sentence seems to get longer.

Perhaps I won't flee but choosing to stay has created a few problems for me. I want to remain here. I want to wait and see the Lord move. But I feel unable to do so. I also doubt His ability to do so. I know, shocking. But I'm not scared to admit where I fall flat. If I said I truly had faith in God, the past few months would prove me to be a liar. Trusting Him is something I must learn to do.

Every day, my patience grows thinner and I'm nearly running out of it. I'm fearful that if I stay at this house, I may do something I regret. I'll either hurt myself or someone will hurt me. I'm also fearful that staying here may drive me away from my faith. Maybe it's a silly thing to worry about but I can't shake it away.

I want to do better, I do. I want to reach out for help, I do. But what if I can't truly be helped? What if I start to rely on people too much? I don't want to idolize man. I don't want to idolize anything or anyone for that matter, but I'm sure that's an easy thing to do when you're in my shoes. Maybe that's why I isolate myself more than I was already isolated. Maybe that's why I want nothing to do with anyone. I want to keep to myself because I've always been by myself.

But I'm beginning to realize that I don't actually desire solitude. I desire a safe environment and it's hard to feel safe around anyone when I never feel safe around the people I've known my entire life. They are included in 98% of my days and each day with them is dreadful.

As you know, dear reader, dear God—whoever I'm truly writing this letter to—this is a complicated situation. But regardless, I decided not to run away. Perhaps it's not that best option as I formerly thought it to be.