the way i loved you

starry eyes sparking up my darkest night

"I want to wear her initial on a chain 'round my neck. Not because she owns me, but 'cause she really knows me,"

"Are you feeling nervous?" I asked Engfa for the umpteenth time. She looks cool to me, though. But I can't help but ask.

She gave me her most reassuring smile, grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently, "I am not nervous, Love. It seems to me like you're the one who needs to calm down. Are you nervous?" She looks at me with concern in her eyes. I shook my head to her, "You know you can still back down to this plan. I won't be mad, I promise. I don't want to force you on to something you're not comfortable with,"

I smiled at her consideration. She's so selfless, always thinking about how I feel and is always putting me first above anything else. How could I ask for anything better when I already have the best? "I want to do this," I said with certainty. I shouldn't be nervous. I am very sure my Mom will like Engfa, hell she even liked Faye before, and Engfa's way better than Faye.

"Alright. Just please remember that you don't have to do this when you're not ready. I am willing to wait no matter how long,"

"I know," I kissed her for the last time before I decided to go and exit the car. She followed me shortly.

I walked towards the front gate of our house with Engfa in tow. I can feel my nerves go insane and my hands are intensely sweating. You can do it, it will all be alright, I encouraged myself. I don't know why I am this nervous. Maybe it's because it will be the first time I will be introducing someone special to my family since Faye.

We reached the front gate and Engfa opened it for me. Always the gentlewoman, I smiled at her and went to walk inside.

As I reached the front door, I can hear the clamouring of the people inside my house. There will be my mother Ploy, Folk and Becky. I didn't have a big family since I grew up without my father, and I never had any siblings. So, there would be just the 5 of us tonight. Not too much for me to feel very nervous, but I still couldn't help it.

I felt Engfa's hand on my shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze, I look over my shoulder and saw her dimpled smile and her sparkling eyes, and suddenly, I am calm. I know how much this means to her, introducing her to my Mom, I mean. I know how much this makes her happy, and my heart is already jumping with joy just by thinking about Engfa's happiness.

She didn't ever complain about me being so cold sometimes, she didn't complain about me not reciprocating her 'I love you's'. She's been patient with me, and proved to me that she's committed, that she's serious when she said she liked me, that she loves me. I am not doubting her words, besides, Engfa's not all talk. But I can't still fully trust her given that I've experienced worse from an asshole that I've loved for 3 long years. That asshole named Faye Malisorn, who I loved before, who, whether I admit it or not, still has a grasp on my heart and still has a piece of my heart. An asshole who I still love up until now, despite all of the shit that I've been through because of her. I just wish that was the last time I will ever see Faye. Because if not, all of my efforts just to move on from her will always be in jeopardy.

Please, tell me you don't love her.

I immediately erased that thought in my head. She belongs to the past now. Whether I still love her or not, it doesn't matter. She made her bed, now she lay in it. I've got my future ahead of me, and there are so many beautiful things in this world than Faye Malisorn. And Engfa Waraha is one of them.

I know it's too early for me to say to her that I love her. I am not very sure myself about how I feel for her, but I know I will get there. Hell, I can feel myself falling for her each day. Love and healing takes time, and I'm lucky, Engfa's willing to wait. One day, I will be able to feel like someone really knows me. All of me. And I am optimistic about that someone being Engfa Waraha.