Swept Under The Rug

What is love?

My name is Justice B. Jones and the B stands for "BITCH DON'T PLAY WITH ME!" JK lol. It's actually Justice, like the movie 'Poetic Justice'. I was born in the late 90's, a black baby who somehow came out looking full Chinese to a teenage mother who resemble a mixture of foxy brown and Missy Elliott and known for her booty. Have you and your man starring; type of booty and a brown skin complexion and my Father, a tall dark skinned man resembling Wesley snipe's and James harden. He usually wore shades because one of his eyes are a light avocado greenish color due to a lawn mower accident he had as a child. It never bothered me but I could tell it bothered him so I never intentionally looked at it or asked about it. I was a daddies girl and as long as I was around Dad nothing else really mattered. Although they broke up a little while after I was born, my father was still in my life. They raised me with a middle class and above standard. Nice clothes, real jewelry, a house to rent and car to get from a to b. A small amount of food in the fridge but not qualifying for government assistance. Free lunch but no money for field trips and school fairs. We were in the middle. I never complained, except for my mother to give me a little brother or sister to play with. I had an older annoying brother named Eric who was blacker than Wesley snipe's and who life revolved around lil wayne but he lived in his own house, with his own mother and we just didn't see each other as much. I needed my own sibling but Mom would always say to me " I almost died having you, I can't have no more kids" and I'd just tell her "risk it again". She'd walk away at that point and the conversation would be over. I was born a loner so I never had friends or even knew how to make them. I'd rather sit in the house and be left to my own devices.

My first memory in life is strange. And as time goes on. I could see why it's my first memory in life. I remember it being a dark summer night. The sky was clear and mom was driving a dark brown car that looked like it was from the 70s. I was in the backseat. Clueless to the world and watching the buildings and street lights pass as I imagined myself in a different world, time frame and universe all together. "Come on let's go". I didn't notice the car had stopped or even the fact that my mother was holding the car door open for me, waiting for me to get out. We walked to a house she parked across the street from. As the door opened there was a bright light, as if I was walking into heaven. "This is Marcus" my mother said as she wrapped a arm and leg around the man and grinned a wide grin. "Don't you remember Marcus, Jay?" The 3 of us stare at each other for some time. I shake my head no and smile a awkward smile. "He my first love" my mother says matter-of-factly as she laughs and embraces him in a big hug. "Yeah" he says "that's right, me and yo momma knew each other for a long time now" as he goes to pour a drink from a liquor bottle sitting on the coffee table. I just knew he wasn't my father and knowing my mother by now and how this encounter could take a while, I focus my attention on my surroundings. The theme colors were white and black as I walked slowly around the apartment. Grazing my hand on a white glass table as I work my way to a table stand I already had my eyes on.

Starting pre- k the next day at Martin Luther King Jr public school I didn't know what to expect and didn't care to be honest. It wasn't bad at all. I followed the line leader, even though I started to secretly want that position. At least to see what it felt like. I did my work, I took my naps and I played nice. Until I seen this boy named X-ray. Boy was that man fine. Skinny and taller than me. A scar on his forehead and braids to the back with peanut butter complexioned skin. His face chiselled with brown oval eyes. He walked up to me while I looked for a book on the bookshelf. "I'm X-ray" the way he looked into my eyes I instantly fell in love. I think he reminded me of lil Bow Wow. The famous rapper who already held my heart. From that moment we were inseparable. We ate together, took naps together and anything else we could, when we could. He was my man, and he became the only boy I talked about, besides lil bow wow.

I remember getting home after a long day of school and errands with my Mom. By this time she had a new car and again, we parked on the street. We lived in a long white house with a empty field next to it that was basically our backyard. "Grab them bags" my mother told me as I climbed from the back seat. Trying to speed up so she doesn't leave me and walk too far ahead I snatch the two white plastic bags and shut the door. Doing my crab walk I scurry up to her as she was already halfway to the door. The house had a sidewalk along the side of it and our door was at the end with no lights to help us see. As we finally got in my mother made me some food and I played with the two toes I had in the empty front room. "Here" I watch my mother grab bedding from the room and make a pallet for me on the floor in the front room. "I need you to sleep out here tonight". I wasn't afraid of the dark or being alone, but there was something in my heart and in my gut telling me something was wrong.

I couldn't sleep that night. I lay there on my back starring at the ceiling. For the first time in a long time, nothing was on my mind. It's dark out and I'm right under the window. There's no curtains so the moonlight shines bright, directly onto the tiled dark wooden walls. The ceiling a crumbly white. I hear my mother's footsteps come out of the bedroom towards the door and my heart starts to pound. Knowing that she may have her back towards me I turn on my side to get a better view of the doors since they were behind me. I start to hear her walk back towards the room. "Mommy, I can't sleep and I'm scared" I say, loud enough for her to hear me correctly. "Come on" she extends a arm as she waits in the door frame. I grab nothing and run to the room with excitement, jumping on the bed to get under the covers. "Ha-ha-haa" I smile a joker smile as there's a since of defeat, me knowing there's no way anything wrong that could happen if we're not separated. "Lay down" she says as she fixes the cover to get underneath. She wraps her arm around me and we fall asleep with our backs towards the door.

I wake up, still in my mom arms while the moonlight is still shining through the window. The bed is shaking I'm confused. "Mommy I'm scared" I say to my mother as the bed contains to shake. "Me too" she says back and holds me a little tighter. When the bed stops shaking I turn to see a man with dreads stand up and put his hat on. He walked out the room and shut the door behind him. Soon after, I fell asleep through the rest of the night.